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Spring Cleaning and Easter Reflections

29/3/2013

It is a cold, clear sunny day today. I have taken the car into a cleaning specialist to have the upholstery shampooed and the car fully cleaned and waxed. I have to leave it overnight so that it can dry out. I will pick it up tomorow.

My stepson, Anders, drives me home and as he swings into the driveway I see my garage door is wide open its space filled by junk and collections of things, old toys, tools, bits of lumber, tires, bicycles, etc. I feel like I am about to enter the dragon's lair and be devoured by the chaos and junk. Perhaps I will never make it back to sanity and order.

It is nearly two years since we have moved here and my desires to get the garage cleaned out and organized have not yet born fruit. It is the biggest bottleneck in our home. We keep adding things to it and periodically remove some things. But the input is exceeding the output and the chaos slowly gets bigger and bigger. And the weight on my mind increases.

Why is this? One thing is that the garage has been a convenient place to put things while waiting for something to happen in life that would provide some meaningful purpose and liberate the garage to its rightful purpose in life. The garage has lost its designed purpose and become a half-way house for warm thoughts and maybes.

Maybe I can find a good use for that as it is still useful. Maybe Marianne will ride that bicycle again. Maybe I will find a use for those old electrical parts, screws, nails, hinges and paint cans. Imagine the grandchildren playing with all those old toys. And there is the possibility that all those boxes of old mouldy notes, photographs, school memories, brilliant thoughts and reflections may once again be used.

What is that old English expression, "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride."

Sometimes it is necessary to just say goodbye to old things. Nobody wants them and they really don't have a true value to us, but others can value them. So there are several practical solutions in our area. You can take them to the waste processing plant and leave them for people to sort through and take what they will. You can place a free announcement in an online sales service for "give away" items. On Saturday we placed an announcement in Finn.no and 3 hours later someone had come to the door to collect a set of used dishes, gratis, for their own use. We felt lighter afterwards and helped someone else in the process.

So there were two things we did here that got us results. The first was to decide to let go of some things that were clutter. Second, we decided to take action. These two potent elements gave us good results.

The same thing happens when we want to spring clean our thinking. You all know by now that if you change your thinking you will change your life. And the same steps apply here when you decide to let go of some thoughts and behaviours and take action to do so. The how will look after itself and is accelerated by experienced life coaching. Have you ever paid somebody to clean up for you, to paint, to repair your car etc.? Well, get some help to change your thinking and habits, and you can repair and change those old rusty habits and beliefs.

Anyway, have a wonderful Easter time and think about your personal spring cleaning, decide and take action.®

Reflect on the renewal you can do and spring into action, Bob and Marianne.

What is Easter? What is Self Renewal?

18/3/2013

What is Easter to you? Most know the story that lies back Easter and its traditions, practices and symbols.

There is the Jesus Crucifixion, the Jesus Resurrection and all of the religious celebrations, rituals, and folk traditions that have grown out of that. But what does it actually mean for you and me?

For me Easter is many things. It is coloured Easter Eggs, chocolate bunnies, the cross, Jesus and his wounds, suffering, warm stuffy churches, a shared meal with family and friends, days free from work and school, and springtime and daffodils. Here in Norway it is Oranges, baby chickens, chocolate or Kvikk Lunsj as we call it here and Easter Holidays in the mountains x-country skiing.

Then there was the big mysterious disappearance of Jesus after he died on the cross, arose from death, rolled back the stone and ping! he was gone. Nobody ever was able to give me a good clear story about that disappearance. Does this mean he was a fake? I don't think so, but where did he end up? He came back to life, reportedly spoke to a few folks, then what? And along came the Shroud of Turin. Did he end up being a Catholic? Not! More mystery or a marketing concept for Christianity?

I love this poem as it speaks to me.

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower by Dylan Thomas

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower
Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees
Is my destroyer.
And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose
My youth is bent by the same wintry fever.

The force that drives the water through the rocks
Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams
Turns mine to wax. -----!

Easter symbolizes renewal to me, a time to make changes. To become yourself again. Perhaps to find yourself and remember what you are: a soul in a human form having the experience we call life. From the force called life force. We learn from this experience and that is called knowledge.

Do you and I use this Knowledge? Sometimes yes and often no. Much of the time goes by in making wishes about the past and dreaming of the future, creating dramas which are good entertainment and not often the truth. It is a relatively simple consept to reinvent yourself, but it requires commitment and focus.

The Good News is it is doable. Things can change and you have a choice aways how you view things and what you will do. To celibrate this time and opportunity for renewal and change, Stepping Stone Life Coaching wants to make a special offer to you so that you get the jumpstart you want and the support you are looking for with life coaching. Thursday we will outline this offer to you.

In the meantime think about this, " Is it not very, very cool that the same force, energy, that drives and creates all things and that we are all linked together by, that through that flow we influence the creation of the reality we are and can become. " Wow! Wow! Wow! I say with just a little bit of awe and enthusiasm in my voice.

And where is the starting point for renewal? Mindfulness. Living mindfully and on purpose. Damn it, there comes that "on purpose" saying again. I think I am beginning to understand it. All that another day.®

Be bold, be grateful and live mindfully. Love and light, Bob and Marianne.

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Use It - Don't Lose It - Birkebeinerrennet

15/3/2013

There is this old, old Norwegian man who tomorrow for the 45th time in his long life will put on his X-country skiis and along with 16,500 other people he will ski from Rena to Lillehammer, Norway, a distance of 54 kilometres. This event is called the Birkebeiner Ski Race.

Last year he got a cramp part way which slowed him down, but he finished in around 11 hours 21 minutes. The year before when he was "only" 91 he finished in 7 hours 20 minutes with no cramps.

He says that his time is not important but it is important to finish. He enjoys the race and the people he meets and talks with. Here is his training schedule;

Tollef Sverdrup, born in 1919, says he practises about 100 hours of x-country skiing from January to the 16th of March, Race day. In reality, he goes out and skiis from 1.5 to 2.0 hours per day, for 75 days. That's not so bad for a young guy like him. How many of us 40+ people get in 30 minutes of exercise per day??

My 90 year old father-in-law, who thinks as clearly as most folks, listens to classical music and does cross word puzzles, sudoko and computer programming on the side. He is together mentally and still drives a sports car.

How much time does the average person waste in mindless TV watching? Statistics about TV say it is a lot. It certainly is well over 3 hours per day.How much does the average person exercise their mind and body each day?

So get with the winning program and decide to train your brain and build in some physical activity each day. Eat healthy and turn of the TV. Have a nice conversation with your other half and go for a nice walk. If you need some help with this talk with a life coach who can support you to change your habits and reach your personal goals.®

Live long and prosper, Marianne and Bob

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Relationship Rescue Part Three, Communicate Clearly

12/3/2013

What did you mean? I don't understand you.

When I am unclear about what I want or have experienced, the other person does not understand me right from the start. It is very difficult for them to follow along and give me what I want because of that.

In fact this lack of clarity about how we experience things and how we want them to be in a relationship often leads to unnecessary arguments and bad feelings. What do we call this? A misunderstanding, right? Some call it a fight.

So when you want to say something to your partner be clear not vague. How do you do this?

Here are some tips.

First, I want you to use the XYZ format.( Others have called it the ABC approach, but it doesn't matter) This is especially useful when you are upset about something. Things often get complicated when we express a lot of anger and frustration and confuse the issues. A great way to make your message more likely to be understood, is using the XYZ statement format. " When you do X in the case of Y, I feel Z."

Here is an example.You both work and when you come home you see his coat laying on the sofa again instead of in the closet. So you say, " You are such a slob. I do not understand how you can think that I should go around and clean up after you always!"

Or, you could have said. "John when I come home at the end of the day and your coat is laying on the sofa, I feel angry and disappointed." Which message is most likely to be heard?

The second statement is the best. When you are angry and upset it is easy to blame and say hurtful things which make matters worse. By being clear and rational it is easier to be heard.

Last point. Watch your language. For example, there is a big difference between "you always do that" and "you did this". There is an enormous difference between "you never do what I ask you to" and " you did not do what I asked of you". You can learn these various types of words by being observant about how you speak and what words you use.

That is it for today. XYZ yourself to greater clarity and understanding. We will talk soon again.®

Please remember to Like us or Tweet us below. May the Force be with you, Bob and Marianne.

Yes you can do this. Start now. New York wasn't built in a day and relationship coaching is very helpful.

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Relationship Rescue Part Two - Listening & Speaking

10/3/2013

Last post we talked about how most of us use an ineffective way of communicating that doesn't do much to improve or rescue relationships. In fact it often contributes to destroying the relationship.

Mending a marriage that we have misused is possible. Also it is well worth the hard work of learning and practicing new relationship skills that will recreate the magic. You will sometimes come to think, " Why didn't they teach this stuff in school? It is truly amazing!"

Today I will show you the Speaker - Listener technique from which you will quickly see the advantages to using it regularly. This is your new life. Get ready to enjoy something better.

Some years ago I was part of a mens group that met once per month to discuss mens' things. With 8 to 10 of us attending for 2.5 hours we needed a few ground rules so that people got an uninterrupted chance to speak for a limited time and that people didn't dominate the group.

While the Speaker had the floor, which usually wasn't longer than 15 minutes, he held the Speaking Stick in his left hand. Apparently this is an old Native Indian tradition that we adopted for our purposes. When the speaker was finished he passed the stick on to the next person. Nobody could interrupt. At the end the listeners could summarize briefly what the speaker said or ask clarifying questions. No comments or arguing.

I suggest that you use a "speaking stick" or some other visible symbol to indicate that whoever is holding the speaking stick can speak uninterrupted by the listener.

In addition to having a speaking stick a few rules are needed to guide the speaker and listener.The Rules the speaker must follow are;

1) Speak for yourself. It is not your job to speak for the listener. You cannot read their minds. Do not try to interpret their thoughts and feelings.

2) Use "I" statements about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. A good example of the right way is "I was upset when you forgot our date." The wrong way is demonstrated as follows, "I think you don't care about me." The first is true. The second is not necessarily true.

3) Don't go on and on when you speak. Get to the point and be clear.

4) Stop and let the listener paraphrase what you said. That is,let them say back to you what you just said, in their own words, so you both can see if they understood.

Rules the listener must follow are:

1) Paraphrase briefly what you heard the speaker say. This confirms whether you have understood and have been listening to their point of view.

2) Do not rebut what the speaker said. It is important that you focus on the speaker's message. You may not offer your opinions or thoughts. This is a very difficult part for most of us. After doing the technique for awhile it will not feel so difficult even when you disagree.

So give this a try a see how well it works. It is not as easy as it looks and requires some commitment, patience and practice. This process alone can do a lot to improve your relationship.®

Next up will be a post about how to speak clearly use the XYZ model and why clarity is soooo important to the whole communication process between a couple.

Practice with an open mind and you will get there. Love and light, Bob and Marianne

How to Rescue Your Relationship (Marriage) - Part One

6/3/2013

What is the most effective thing you can do to rescue or improve your relationship?

If you weren't interested in finding out then you would not be here. When I tell you what it is, you may think you know a lot about it and are good at it. You may say, "well, that is obvious."

I will say to you that while you may not be good at doing this you can be. You are responsible for the outcomes you create. Many of us have learned the wrong model of communication. It is a result of what has been passed on to you by your parents, family, society, friends, colleagues and the school system.

What is the wrong model? To try to win, not to listen and understand. To defend, to attack, to be a victim. Not to be clear in what you want, need or feel. Not to be empathetic and understand. To act as if it is more important to be right than it is to be balanced.

Good communication is a key to protecting and improving relationships and marriages. In a relationship you must clearly explain what you need, want or feel and the other must truly hear you and understand. The biggest challenge for most of us is in listening to truly hear our partner.

There are many reasons for this, the biggest being that you are too busy not hearing the other. What are you busy doing? What is going on in your head? Are you preparing your answer so you can win? Maybe you are talking to yourself in an ongoing drama about how many times you have heard this before. Or you might be busy judging and criticising. "There he goes again. The same old shit about parking the car."

When you are so busy talking in your head, planning, analysing, criticising, ridiculing, denying, justifying, defending, attacking etc., you are not hearing and understanding what the other is saying. While this is quite natural as it is the only model you have learned, it does not support and build a great relationship.

Two vital points lay behind this. First, you can only control your own behaviour, beliefs and thoughts. You cannot control the other even though some believe they can. Second, to truly hear someone is to listen to them fully so that you stand in their shoes and imagine what they feel and mean. You must be empathetic. To be truly heard is to be loved and respected.This is not easy to do even though it is easy to understand.

It gets particularly difficult when you do not agree with what is being said. You do not have to agree but you must listen with heart and understand the others' story and beliefs. Remember their feelings are their feelings and they are true for them.

To rescue or improve your relationship you must learn and use a better model of communication. It is simple to understand and you must be committed to practice and practice. It took many years of practicing and using the old way so it takes a little time to get this working. Remember, be compassionate with yourself and your partner. Making mistakes is how we learn.

What I will share with you in the next post are some good techniques for speaking and for listening. As well I will talk about being clear in what you say by using the XYZ statement format.®

What more would you like to hear? Please comment below and remember Tweet or Like Us!

Until next time, speak clearly, listen to the other and be conciously loving, Bob and Marianne.

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Use It Or Lose It

1/3/2013

I got a haircut today at my favourite barber shop. Leon is a very cool guy, 70 years young. I enjoy getting my haircut from him.

Two reasons. First, you can tell him how you want the haircut without him being professionally irritated. He adjusts to the feedback. After all, it is my money, hair and time. Right? Second, he likes to have a good conversation which means hearing the other, not just speaking. So we trade thoughts, listen, speak, give feedback, ask questions and compliment each other as humans.

During our session today we spoke about the barbers' role other than cutting hair. That role was not taught at trade school. The role is to pay attention to people. It is to speak with those who want some contact. It is to facilitate communication. In a way a kind of mindfullness. It is a service that is greatly appreciated by people, specially by those who have lost a partner or feel isolated. We observed that the visits by these people to their barber, doctor, dentist or corner store owner are important and some of the few contacts they might have.

We also talked about how people avoid doing things they can do that would improve their life quality. In turn they can lose certain important things such as personal cleanliness, physical health, mental health and communication skills. In the course of this conversation the phrase "use it or lose it" popped into my mind.

The Law of "use it or lose it" says that if we have a skill, are physically fit, are sharp about how we think, understand and remember things, then we must practice them to hold a level of fitness in these various areas. A good example for me is I once spoke French very well when I lived in Canada. I can no longer do that as I haven't practiced for years. Leon and I ended up agreeing that "Use it or lose it" is a great expression that is so useful.

So here is the thing. To learn a skill or technique you need to take in new information and practice until it gets to be somewhat automatic. To keep that skill you must continue to practice it and even improve it. We need to maintain body, mind and spirit by maintaining our skills. Self development points out that where there is a gap in our knowledge we can learn new skills. This process can be facilitated by mindfullness training and by working with an experienced life coach.

Stay socially engaged and be mindful ®

Love and light,

Bob and Marianne

Authors

Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.
Marianne, a Norwegian, is a Certified Life Coach, former Conflict Resolution Counsellor. She has also studied five years at the University of Stavanger.

Bob has over 12 years experience as a life coach, career and business counsellor. Bob also worked for some years as a strategic policy analyst. He has a Masters in Public Administration and also worked as Business Consulting Services Manager in Canada.

Please note that all the written material in this blog is Copyright, but can be used or quoted if the source www.steppingstonelifecoaching.com is quoted. Concerns or questions, contact us please.
And please leave a comment, we would love to understand you a bit better.

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