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The Art of Communication Expanded

8/5/2013

 
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Last post I wrote about tips for the Art of Communication. In that post I said, "The following tips very much anchor themselves on two important factors. The first is that if you continue to do what you have always done you will continue to get the results you have always got. The second factor is, you are personally responsible for your own behaviour and thoughts."

I received some questions about these two factors. " Why," said one reader, "would you say that these two points are important in communications?" 

The reason for the first factor is very simple, but not so obvious. In order to change something you must change your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. To get somewhere different or better you must have some idea of where you want to go or be. You must have a goal. Your results will change when you change your attitude, thoughts and behaviour.

Remember, we have an Art of Communication Class coming up in Sandnes, Norway. Here you will learn how to make those changes and learn new techniques that lead to better job performance and better relationships.


The last factor, personal responsibility for your thoughts and behaviour, is quite clear now that the necessity to change has been explained. Someone else cannot do that for you even under force. Ultimately it is you that always has a choice. Sometimes the choices are not easy, but they are there. The other thing that often gets forgotten is commitment and power. If you blame others or assume it is others responsibility to decide for you, you will not be commited to getting the results. In other words your motivation will be lower.  You also give away your power when you do not assume responsibility. 

Claim your power,be understood and get motivated by learning the Art of Communication.

The upcoming Art of Communication Class will be teaching the techniques for better communication skills. With these new skills your job performance will improve, your work environment will change and the quality of your family life and even sex life can change for the better. Everything between people starts with communication. Better communication gives better results. And - bad communication gives bad results.®

Live long, be mindful and prosper, Marianne and Bob


How to Have a Great Relationship?

23/4/2013

 
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What is a great relationship? How do you get one? 

A great relationship is one that works to give both persons the chance to grow, live life fully, experience happiness and sadness together and alone and know that someone is there to share and grow with you. Bad and good. Happy and sad.

A great relationship is not about entertainment. It is a living experience that you learn from, sharing pleasure and pain, challenges and rewards, fun and boredom.Things are not one-sided. The balanced dynamics of working together create massive positive energy and opportunity to live a wonderful and joyful life. Yippeee!

A great relationship is about love. And that is about balance, respect and perspective.

A great relationship, love, does not mean that hot sex happens all the time. Nor does it mean romance and "oh, what a wonderful feeling" all the time. It is not fulltime happiness, being seen as cool or beautiful, being admired or being seen as tough, feminine, masculine or successful. It is not about a big house, fancy car or prestigious jobs. But it is about learning to create a good and joyful life sharing together.

It does not mean that everything you do and every breath you take needs to be together. Shared. I will guarantee you that if you try to live that way it is most likely you will choke each other, killing your relationship and any chance for spontaniety and personal growth. A great and loving relationship needs to create space for both to live and breathe and safety to talk with each other.

A loving relationship does mean being who you are and being accepted for who you are. It is being truly heard by the other person without criticism and judgement. To be truly heard is to listen to your viewpoint and accept your feelings as real for you. 

To be in a great relationship, to be loved, does not mean that you must agree with all that your partner says or vice versa. It does mean that you must accept their feelings as true for them and that you must be willing to listen, to hear and accept how they feel. Again, you may not agree with them, but you must hear them and accept how they feel. Why? Because my feelings are mine, not yours. My feelings are true for me, always!

A great relationship, love of another, does not mean that abuse is acceptable on any level. Abuse, violence and disrespect have no place in a loving relationship. If I require you to do things which dehumanize you or the family, it is not love or kindness. And there are no excuses. I am not responsible for my wife's behaviour nor is she for mine. You and I are responsible for our own behaviour and thoughts.

A great relationship, love, is a wonderful, magical experience. It has some basic components that keep it going. These ingredients are a willingness to learn, openness, honesty, good communication, respect and problem solving skills. Also it is very important to see the other and believe in their potential as a human being.

Commitment to the relationship is necessary, otherwise we would walk away when the hot romance has died down and the work starts. Or you might begin to manipulate, act out various dramas or withdraw. It is like the relationship is a third person that also needs equal ongoing respect and support.

To try and control the other and the relationship to get what you want, is no guarantee of success. In fact it is likely to go in the wrong direction at some point even though it looks like success in the beginning.

A good relationship needs willingness to do the work when it comes to that point. Know that the benefits are huge and there is no income tax on what you win and become in a good, loving, relationship. You will always have that knowledge of yourself and life and nobody can take it from you.

I could talk for a very long time about how much you learn about yourself in a relationship when you are willing to be concious and non-judgemental. But, it is here that much of the Magic of creating a great life together is found. 

Can you learn to have a great and loving relationship? Can you learn to improve the quality and the love in your relationship? Yes, you can. It takes some commitment, knowledge and work and is well worth the investment you will make in time and money.®


Live long and be happy, Marianne and Bob


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Questions or opinions? Comment below. Thank you.



What Do I Want To Do ?

17/4/2013

 
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Think about this. What would you do if you knew all this?

What would you do if you knew nobody would judge you? If nobody would criticize you including yourself? What would you do?

What would you do in this lifetime if money or time or health was not a problem?

What would you do if somebody always loved you no matter what you say or think or do? If somebody always believed in the possibility that is you? What would you then do or create? 

What would you do if you knew that everything is perfect and all that you choose to do is wonderful and more than good enough? What you are and do is perfect.

What would you do if you knew that all the past was forgiven without conditions? That you are not your past. That tomorrow is a completely new day and all that happens is now, right now. Not yesterday nor tomorrow.

What would you do if somebody told you that there is a way to touch a miracle each and every day? That the miracle costs nothing to touch and experience?

What would you do if you knew that there is a special power in beginning something? Start, take action and bring into play the energy of the universe that surrounds you. There is unlimited power in creation.

What would you do if you knew for certain that you can change your life? What if you knew and understood that by changing your thoughts and beliefs, you can change your life? When will you start? How will you do it? 

What would you do if you knew that your experience of sadness and happiness is life and that it comes and goes? Life is not all happiness, nor is it all sadness and misery. Life is a flow when we let it flow through us we have a true experience of life.

What would you do if you knew that nobody can change your experience of life other than you? That you are responsible for your experience and your results. You are the creator of your experience and as such can change it. You can change your life to something else if you decide to and take action.

What do you want to do?

Yes, I admit that if someone gave me a pile of money tomorrow it would make parts of my life easier. I know that what I do today and how I do it affects my future. The choices I make, the thoughts I have, the beliefs and values I hold sculpt my life. And the attention I give the present moment sets the quality of my life experience.

So the choices we make and the focus we give our lives create our lives. Mindfullness training and communication skills are a great help to getting what you want. First you must choose!

Live mindfully in the present moment and focus on your choices, not somebody else's.®

Live long and be happy, Marianne and Bob.



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I Can't Hear You I'm Too Busy Talking

14/4/2013

 
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When we lived and studied at the Yashodhara Ashram in Canada for five months the two of us learned a lot about ourselves, self development, personality, Hatha Yoga, silence, meditation and chanting. It was a wonderful time of our lives and continues to give us that deep foundation to work and live from.

We are in our hearts very kind, enthusiastic and helpful people. Like many others in this world we like to contribute, to talk and share ideas. Bob, on the right, can be very enthusiastic, sometimes talk too much and has a strong voice. 

During our time at the Ashram (retreat and learning center) we periodically met in smaller discusssion groups to do some reflections and discuss various topics. 

One of the first afternoons I walked into a group talking enthusiastically and loudly. All of a sudden our group leader, Swami Gopalananda, spoke to me and asked, "Bob, do you always have to fill the space with the sound of your own voice?" It was a shock. It was a Kodak Moment. It was a giant learning experience that I have taken with me and remember deeply to this day. That comment has shaped how I am with others in my life now.

That is not the only thing that shaped me as I have studied and learned much about relationships and communications, meditation and mindfullness and self development that have also shaped me. As well I live in a relationship where good and open communication has a very high value. We practice what we preach. However, that comment about filling up the space with the sound of my own voice was Powerful and hit the Target.

Surprise, surprise, I am not perfect and still am overwhelmed on some occasions by my enthusiasm and speak more and louder than I need to. I remember the comment and can stop myself because there is an awareness about "Filling the space with the sound of my own voice."

"And you know what?" Bob says enthusiastically. "When you are busy filling up the space, the room, the car, with the sound of your own voice you don't hear the other person. You do not make space for them in the relationship."

What can you do? Stop talking and being enthusiastic? No way! Rather learn to be mindful and learn some new communications and relationship techniques from a qualified and experienced Life Coach. 

We also suggest you read earlier blog posts from February 27th, March 6th, 10th and 12th. For those of you who read English only please be aware that the post from February 27th is in Norwegian. 

Have a wonderfully mindful week and communicate thoughtfully.


Live long and prosper, Marianne and Bob ®








Tips on How to Be Happy

5/4/2013

 
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It is great to be happy. Three cheers for being happy! I love being happy. Don't you?While it is not possible all of the time to be happy, it is possible to improve the amount and frequency of your happiness. 

So here are several tips about being happier more often, sometimes even in the midst of a crisis or a downturn.

First, watch your behaviour and your thinking. Are there things you do automatically which are just negative habits you have turned into a negative and unhappy part of your life? Begin to watch your behaviour and your thoughts enough so that you can identify some of those things that trigger you to go in one of those negative or unhappy directions. When you have done that, you can simply stop when you see the trigger and substitute a no, a stop or a more positive belief or behaviour. You can get some help with this from experienced life coaches.

A good example is how you might automatically negatively interpret your husband or wife's behaviour without even thinking about it. "There she goes, criticizing me again for being slow. Hasn't she got something interesting to do?" Instead you could substitute curiosity for irritation. That would look something like this. " Hmm, she is criticising me, I wonder what is going on for her?"

Second, are you having a heavy day? Maybe you are feeling almost depressed. You want to be happy? Then make a choice for happiness. Choose to smile and hold the smile for a while. Come back to the smile as often as you can and feel the smile. There is a brain - body connection between the act of smiling and the brain. There are 43 muscles in the face. Seventeen that make a smile send a signal to the brain that you are Happy even when you are not. The brain releases endorphins and you feel somewhat better and happier. 

Try this. For those who know how to meditate this is one small step simpler. For those who don't meditate follow these steps, it works. 

Relax, back straight, but not rigid. Breathe in and mentally follow your breath in, feel it and naturally breathe out following and feeling the out breath. Do this a few minutes until you get into the rhythm of breathing in and breathing out. Now say the following words to yourself in your head, with your breathing,  " Breathing in, I smile. Breathing out, I feel happy." Use the exact words and word order. Do this 10 times and repeat when you feel needed. Feel the difference. This is micro meditating with a tangible result.

Another bit of information to give you another reason to smile is that research has also shown smiling to improve your immune system functioning. How good does it get?

Final tip on how to be happy, change your energy. Put on some lively music you like and dance even if you don't feel like it. Dance around for five minutes or longer. You can even risk hopping up and down and cheering for yourself. Life is a blast.

So friends, watch your behaviour, change those negative triggers, smile, meditate, dance and cheer for the wonderful person you are and fake it until you become it!®

Have a positive day and smile, dance and cheer, Bob and Marianne


 Relationship Rescue Part Three, Communicate Clearly 

12/3/2013

 
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When I am unclear about what I want or have experienced, the other person does not understand me right from the start.  It is very difficult for them to follow along and give me what I want because of that. 

In fact this lack of clarity about how we experience things  and how we want them to be in a relationship often leads to unnecessary arguments and bad feelings. What do we call this? A misunderstanding, right? Some call it a fight.

So when you want to say something to your partner be clear not vague. How do you do this? 


Here are some tips.

First, I want you to use the XYZ format.( Others have called it the ABC approach, but it doesn't matter) This is especially useful when you are upset about something. Things often get complicated when we express a lot of anger and frustration and confuse the issues. A great way to make your message more likely to be understood, is  using the XYZ statement  format. " When you do X in the case of Y, I feel Z."

 Here is an example.You both work and when you come home you  see his coat laying on the sofa again instead of in the closet. So you say, "  You are such a slob. I do not understand how  you can think that I should go around and clean up after you always!"

Or, you could have said. "John when I come home at the end of the day and your coat is laying on the sofa, I feel angry and disappointed." Which message is most likely to be heard?


The second statement is the best. When you are angry and upset it is easy to blame and say hurtful things which make matters worse. By being clear and rational it is easier to be heard.

Last point. Watch your language. For example, there is a big difference between "you always do that" and "you did this". There is an enormous difference between "you never do what I ask you to" and " you did not do what I asked of you". You can learn these various types of words by being observant about how you speak and what words you use.

That is it for today. XYZ  yourself to greater clarity and understanding. We will talk soon again.® 

Please remember to Like us or Tweet us below. May the Force be with you, Bob and Marianne.

Yes you can do this. Start now. New York wasn't built in a day and relationship coaching is very helpful.


Comment or Tweet us or Like us below, Thanks.





Relationship Rescue Part Two - Listening & Speaking

10/3/2013

 
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Last post we talked about how most of us use an ineffective way of communicating that doesn't do much to improve or rescue relationships. In fact it often contributes to destroying the relationship.

Mending a marriage that we have misused is possible. Also it is well worth the hard work  of learning and practicing new relationship skills that will recreate the magic. You will sometimes come to think, " Why didn't they teach this stuff in school? It is truly amazing!"

Today I will show you the Speaker - Listener technique from which you will quickly see the advantages to using it regularly. This is your new life. Get ready to enjoy something better.

Some years ago I was part of a mens group that met once per month to discuss mens' things. With 8 to 10 of us attending for 2.5 hours we needed a few ground rules so that people got an uninterrupted chance to speak for a limited time and that people didn't dominate the group. 

While the Speaker had the floor, which usually wasn't longer than 15 minutes, he held the Speaking Stick in his left hand. Apparently this is an old Native Indian tradition that we adopted for our purposes. When the speaker was finished he passed the stick on to the next person. Nobody could interrupt. At the end the listeners could summarize briefly what the speaker said or ask clarifying questions. No comments or arguing.

I suggest that you use a "speaking stick" or some other visible symbol to indicate that whoever is holding the speaking stick can speak uninterrupted by the listener.

In addition  to having a speaking stick a few rules  are needed to guide the speaker and listener.The Rules the speaker must follow are;

1) Speak for yourself. It is not your job to speak for the listener. You cannot read their minds. Do not try to interpret their thoughts and feelings.

2) Use "I" statements about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. A good example of the right way is "I was upset when you forgot our date." The wrong way is demonstrated as follows, "I think you don't care about me." The first is true. The second is not necessarily true.

3) Don't go on and on when you speak. Get to the point and be clear.

4) Stop and let the listener paraphrase what you said. That is,let them say back to you what you just said, in their own words, so you both can see if they understood.

Rules the listener must follow are:

1) Paraphrase briefly what you heard the speaker say. This confirms whether you have understood and have been listening to their point of view.

2) Do not rebut what the speaker said. It is important that you focus on the speaker's message. You may not offer your opinions or thoughts. This is a very difficult part for most of us. After doing the technique for awhile it will not feel so difficult even when you disagree.


So give this a try a see how well it works. It is not as easy as it looks and requires some commitment, patience and practice. This process alone can do a lot to improve your relationship.®


Next up will be a post about how to speak clearly use the XYZ model and why clarity is soooo important to the whole communication process between a couple.


Practice with an open mind and you will get there. Love and light, Bob and Marianne






How to Rescue Your Relationship (Marriage) - Part One

6/3/2013

 
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What is the most effective thing you can do to rescue or improve your relationship?

If you weren't interested in finding out then you would not be here. When I tell you what it is, you may think you know a lot about it and are good at it. You may say, "well, that is obvious."

I will say to you that while you may not be good at doing this you can be. You are responsible for the outcomes you create. Many of us have learned the wrong model of communication. It is a result of what has been passed on to you by your parents, family, society, friends, colleagues and the school system. 



 What is the wrong model? To try to win, not to listen and understand. To defend, to attack, to be a victim. Not to be clear in what you want, need or feel. Not to be empathetic and understand. To act as if it is more important to be right than it is to be balanced.

Good communication is a key to protecting and improving relationships and marriages. In a relationship you must clearly explain what you need, want or feel and the other must truly hear you and understand. The biggest challenge for most of us is in listening to truly hear our partner.

There are many reasons for this, the biggest being that you are too busy not hearing the other. What are you busy doing? What is going on in your head? Are you preparing your answer so you can win? Maybe you are talking to yourself in an ongoing drama about how many times you have heard this before. Or you might be busy judging and criticising. "There he goes again. The same old shit about parking the car." 

When you are so busy talking in your head, planning, analysing, criticising, ridiculing, denying, justifying, defending, attacking etc., you are not hearing and understanding what the other is saying. While this is quite natural as it is the only model you have learned, it does not support and build a great relationship.

Two vital points lay behind this. First, you can only control your own behaviour, beliefs and thoughts. You cannot control the other even though some believe they can. Second, to truly hear someone is to listen to them fully so that you stand in their shoes and imagine what they feel and mean. You must be empathetic. To be truly heard is to be loved and respected.This is not easy to do even though it is easy to understand. 



It gets particularly difficult when you do not agree with what is being said. You do not have to agree but you must listen with heart and understand the others' story and beliefs. Remember their feelings are their feelings and they are true for them.

 To rescue or improve your relationship you must learn and use a better model of communication. It is simple to understand and you must be committed to practice and practice. It took many years of practicing and using the old way so it takes a little time to get this working. Remember, be compassionate with yourself and your partner. Making mistakes is how we learn. 



 What I will share with you in the next post are some good techniques for speaking and for listening. As well I will talk about being clear in what you say by using the XYZ statement format.®

What more would you like to hear? Please comment below and remember Tweet or Like Us!

Until next time, speak clearly, listen to the other and be conciously loving, Bob and Marianne.

Comment, Tweet or Like Us, below!

Use It Or Lose It

1/3/2013

 
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I got a haircut today at my favourite barber shop. Leon is a very cool guy, 70 years young. I enjoy getting my haircut from him. 


Two reasons. First, you can tell him how you want the haircut without him being professionally irritated. He adjusts to the feedback. After all, it is my money, hair and time. Right? Second, he likes to have a good conversation which means hearing the other, not just speaking. So we trade thoughts, listen, speak, give feedback, ask questions and compliment each other as humans.

During our session today we spoke about the barbers' role other than cutting hair. That role was not taught at trade school. The role is to pay attention to people. It is to speak with those who want some contact. It is to facilitate communication. In a way a kind of mindfullness. It is a service that is greatly appreciated by people, specially by those who have lost a partner or feel isolated. We observed that the visits by these people to their barber, doctor, dentist or corner store owner are important and some of the few contacts they might have. 
  
We also talked about how people avoid doing things they can do  that would improve their life quality. In turn they can lose certain important things such as personal cleanliness, physical health, mental health and communication skills.  In the course of this conversation the phrase "use it or lose it" popped into my mind.

The Law of "use it or lose it" says that if we have a skill, are physically fit, are sharp about how we think, understand and remember things, then we must practice them to hold a level of fitness in these various areas. A good example for me is I once spoke French very well when I lived in Canada. I can no longer do that as I haven't practiced for years. Leon and I ended up agreeing that "Use it or lose it" is a great expression that is so useful. 

So here is the thing. To learn a skill or technique you need to take in new information and practice until it gets to be somewhat automatic. To keep that skill you must continue to practice it and even improve it. We need to maintain body, mind and spirit by maintaining our skills. Self development points out that where there is a gap in our knowledge we can learn new skills. This process can be facilitated by mindfullness training and by working with an experienced life coach.

Stay socially engaged and be mindful ®


Love and light, 

Bob and Marianne


Doktoren og god kommunikasjon

27/2/2013

 
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Jeg fulgte min far til legen hans i forrige uke. Mine erfaringer med leger spenner fra den empatiske legen til han eller hun som er mest opptatt av å gi deg en resept og så rope "værsågod neste".

Min far har fastlege, privatpraktiserende uten tilskudd. Da er det ikke akkurat billig, kan jeg si. Dermed forventer jeg ekstra god behandling. Nå skal jeg være den første til å si at det er farlig å ha forventninger, i så mange sammenhenger. En kan lett bli skuffet. Bare tenk etter når du har store forventninger til en fest, en ferie, et lønnstillegg, feiring av din fødselsdag og så videre.

Jeg hadde altså noen forventninger til denne legen og jeg ble faktisk ikke skuffet.

Først var jeg spent på om min far syntes det var OK at jeg ble med ham inn til legen. Kanskje det var godt nok at jeg kjørte ham til legekontoret og ventet i venteværelset. Nei, far ønsket faktisk at jeg ble med inn til legen. Det var jeg glad for - det var nemlig en fin erfaring. Jeg holder en del foredrag, kurs og workshops i temaet "kommunikasjon" og jeg har ofte ørene og øyene ekstra åpne.

Fra første øyeblikk jeg traff denne legen, følte jeg et stort velbehag og syntes at vi var i gode hender. Legen hilste først på min far og deretter på meg. Han satte seg vel tilrette, viste tydelig et kroppsspråk som uttrykket at han var klar til å lytte, klar til å gi min far den tiden han trengte. Han stilte spørsmål for å være sikker på at han forstod min far underveis. Han nikket, smilte, sa "ja, aha, hm, mmm" og så videre. Legen henvendte seg hele tiden til min far, jeg blandet meg lite inn, men da jeg spurte et par spørsmål, kikket legen både på meg og min far da han svarte. Det var jeg som stilte spørsmålet, det var min far det angikk. Legen gjentok også ordrett det min far sa for å være sikker på at han hadde forstått det riktig.

Legen forklarte så at han ville ta et par minutter og skrive inn i journalen det som hadde blitt sagt i løpet av samtalen.

Jeg var imponert over denne legens gode evner til sunn og fin kommunikasjon med sin pasient. Jeg gav ham også denne tilbakemeldingen før vi forlot kontoret. Jeg takket for en behagelig opplevelse og sa hvor viktig det er at en lege lytter til sin pasient. Å lytte med ekthet er nemlig å verdsette og respektere det andre mennesket.

Å være 90 år er ikke gitt å bli respektert og verdsatt. Min far er heldigvis meget intelligent og klok mann. Han var fornøyd etter legevisitten og jeg vet at for ham er det viktig å bli lyttet til.

Det er mange konflikter i dag som oppstår nettopp fordi vi ikke kan lytte til andre. Vi er mest opptatt av å formidle vårt syn i en sak, angripe den andre, forsvare oss, gjøre oss selv til et offer og vi ønsker å bli hørt av den andre.
Konfliktene får utvikle seg, vi vet ikke hvordan vi skal komme ut av dem, hvordan vi skal få tilbake den gode atmosfæren som ligger bak der. Vi har respekt for, er glad i den andre parten. Vi sliter med oss selv. 
I stedet for å kommunisere hva vi egentlig føler, så beskylder vi den andre parten for å være årsaken til konflikten.

Kommunikasjon er fundamentet i alle forhold og på alle nivåer. Det være seg i forholdet til din partner, dine barn, din sjef og dine kollegaer, dine venner og så videre.
Sliter du med usunn kommunikasjon, ikke nøl; ta kontakt med en Life Coach som vil lede deg i riktig retning.

Med respekt,
Bob og Marianne

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Marianne og hennes far
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    Authors

    Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.
    Marianne, a Norwegian, is a Certified Life Coach, former Conflict Resolution Counsellor. She has also studied five years at the University of Stavanger.

    Bob has over 12 years experience as a life coach, career and business counsellor. Bob also worked for some years as a strategic policy analyst. He has a Masters in Public Administration and also worked as Business Consulting Services Manager in Canada. 

    Please note that all the written material in this blog is Copyright, but can be used or quoted if the source   www.steppingstonelifecoaching.com is quoted. Concerns or questions, contact us please. 
    And please leave a comment, we would love to understand you a bit better.

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