Category: Gratefulness

How to Deal With Critcism

14/7/2014

Is what you are hearing criticism or is it just information, so called feedback? Our daily lives, job, home and relationships are full of criticism, judgements,feedback and evaluations. And even if you think you don't do it, you do. And you likely do it more often than you think.

Your partner tells you do something this way or that way. Or you tell them, "You did this wrong and didn't finish that properly. You could have done that better by using this method, etc." Was the task really important? Does it really matter if it was done this way or that way? Would you rather be right or be happy? Well---?

Quite often folks think they are being helpful by making suggestions for change or improvements and sometimes they are. Often you may interpret that as unecessary criticism or judgement of who you are when often it is not, it is information that you sometimes need to know and understand. At the end of the day, it is not necessary to agree but it is critically important to understand and accept their opinions and feelings as valid for them.

When you write a report or e-mail maybe the same person often gives you feedback about where you can make improvements to something that is seemingly insignificant. People make spontaneous suggestions about the colour of a shirt or blouse that would go better with your jacket. Or you misinterpret information in a discussion as criticism or denial of what you said. Conversation is a dialogue which means every person has a meaning. Listen and understand them as them, not a denial of you. What was their intention? How do you know? Maybe you do not and must ask so you have the right information. Do not react or interpret. Stop, Look and Listen!

Feedback/criticism is a part of life. We need it to function and to communicate. What do we get from it, information, a swollen head or a wounded heart?

Sex, Love & Intimacy - Part Four

17/6/2014

Take a quick look at the picture beside us. Closely! What does it make you think of? It makes me think of a number of different things. Primarily, it makes me think of how do couples solve this sex, love and intimacy puzzle?

Merry Christmas to Everybody on the Planet

25/12/2013

Now is now and then was then! Christmas has changed a lot over the years and it is very different today.

What has changed? Well, for me the technology has changed dramatically. The close feeling of Christmas is still there, but in some different forms.

We love visits from friends and family. It is wonderful to sit around and share some food, friendship, love and laughter. We are grateful for the cards we get and for the emails and text messages people send. We are happy to pick up the phone and hear a Christmas greeting from a familiar voice. It is good to phone someone and hear their loving voices and wish them Christmas Happiness and love.

We are pleased that we deal with our human greediness by limiting the value or number of presents we give. We are happy to see that some deserve more than others. Not everyone has equal needs.

I still feel that Christmas at its heart is about being grateful and sharing love and wealth. Sometimes we still have to work at delivering what we believe and self awareness and self acceptance helps us do just that.

Marianne and I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas.

Marriage, Divorce and Love

15/9/2013

Divorce rates in countries are measured in different ways. An often used measure is how many divorces there are per 1000 citizens. This statistic doesn't tell you very much other than the trends over a period of time. What does 8 divorces per 1000 people per year really mean? Not much. It conceals more than it reveals.

A more interesting number is the percent of marriages which end in divorce. It is commonly accepted by researchers that in the USA and Norway, for example, the rate lies between 41 to 51% in first time marriages and around 60% in second marriages.

One thing is certain. Divorce rates are very high and the personal and societal costs and pain involved is enormous. It is for me, doubly sad when you think that most of us start off in marriage "in love." We have fallen in love. What a rush. What a wonderful thing, being in love. But what is love? And what is falling in love?

Take a minute now and answer those two questions for yourself. Go ahead do it, nobody has to see your answers, right? Oh, by the way, why do we fall out of love? What happens?

Well, here is what researchers and marriage and relationship counsellors have found out. Falling in love is a state of heightened arousal and euphoria created by the relationship you have with another person. Research shows that this period usually does not last longer than between nine months and two years.

During this period we are not always as practical and logical as we could be. Our feet are often not touching the ground. We live in this fantastic dream world. We see our partners as perfect and wonderful. Nothing could go wrong. But it does. Why? And how can we keep the love in a relationship?

After two years or less we start to see our feet touch the ground. We become more realistic, critical and demanding. Usually falling out of love is not the same lightning strike experience as falling in love was. In fact it takes some years before that seemingly perfect relationship you had is not at all perfect. It has become stressful, unsatisfying and unhappy.

At this point, people often ask, "What happened to the love?"

In the past there were two ways of dealing with this. To stay or to leave the relationship. Fifty years and more back in time people toughed it out. It was a commitment and they stayed to the bitter end. Looking at some of the results of this approach we see it wasn't always positive. The other way was to walk away, to get divorced. People did not divorce so easily back then. That has changed as todays statistics show.

This does not mean that those who stuck it out and stayed with it until the end were better or smarter than you. But researchers and experienced marriage counsellors have found there is a third way. That third way is to learn some relationship skills and techniques and do the work to put them in practice. This builds Real Love.

Next post we will talk about Real Love. What happened to the love? What are the skills and techniques you need to learn and practice to personally grow and create a wonderful and lasting relationship? Also, a heads up. We will be holding a super one day course with lunch for max 5 couples on October 26th. Details to be forthcoming.

Hey, please remember to comment, Like Us or Tweet us below. Thanks and have a wonderful week, Bob and Marianne. ®

26 Reasons to be Grateful plus a Daily Practice

27/6/2013

First, a little ramble about gratefullness. Gratefullness saved my life once when I was a long way down and needed a helping hand up again. Gratefullness can attract more of what you are truly grateful for. Gratefullness makes you feel good. Gratefullness contributes to a very positive attitude. And gratefullness can be learned and works best when practised every day.

So here is a great tip about gratefullness, start a regular daily gratefullness practice now. Use only 5 minutes per day. Buy a little lined book and write it down. Writing involves mental and physical activities so it works better than just thinking about being grateful. Start small and increase the numbers after you have built the habit. Read it after a month or two. Sweet. In the beginning you may find it difficult or artificial, but persist and feel the magic. Fake it until you become it.

Here are a number of things that I am grateful for today. There may be more or less tomorrow, but there are always many things if I just take the time to look. Anyway, some things I am grateful for today.

Today I am grateful for:

1) my intelligent, strong and kind wife.
2) my children just the way they are.
3) love and loving kindness.
4) the food I eat each day.
5) the peaceful land I live in.
6) the privelege of saying and thinking what I believe.
7) the daylight and the darkness.
8) enough money.
9) friends and family.
10) my good health.
11) the experience of being alive.
12) living mindfully.
13) what I learn.
14) the morning.
15) the light on the leaves blowing in the wind.
16) clean water.
17) the privilege of giving and receiving.
18) my 7 grandchildren, soon 8.
19) those seemingly small miracles such as breathing.
20) the green grass and wildflowers.
21) my dog.
22) my oldest son's recent visit.
23) experiencing happiness and sadness which makes them both visible.
24) the sunrise and sunset.
25) my dead mother and step-father.
26) you dear reader.

Have a grateful day and a grateful life forward. Gratefully Bob.

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Romantic Tips for the Weekend

13/6/2013

From time to time it is so wonderful to inject a little romance into our often routine lives. The most obvious time for this is the weekend as most of us work. It takes just a little planning, time and usually very little money.

Be creative, thoughtful and have no expectations. Let yourself be surprised by the results you create.

Tip # 1. The morning magic moment. Could be the evening magic moment also, but not on Friday evening. At least one of you is tired and that is a romance killer. Also, have a plan to deal with the kids for a few hours or an evening at grandma's house. Have a good friend take the kids for a few hours and return the favour at a later time. Plan a little and have fun with it. Planning is fun, yes?

When the house and kitchen is a mess that is a definite distraction from romantic ideas. So maybe spring out of bed early, tidy the kitchen, take out your secret bottle of chilled champagne and blend 50-50 with orange juice (heavenly delicious). Serve it on a nicely decorated tray or plate. Visualize a romantic setting and create a little ambiance with a few candles, some romantic music. (see our music list from February 12, 2013)

Wrap up 3 chocolates and create a little handwritten note that you will attach to the Romantic Gift. Suggested wording could be "To the world's most wonderful, beautiful wife or husband. I love you. Especially when you......"
Now deliver the goods. Do they like the idea of champagne in bed? Or served at a decorated table.

Tip # 2. Super magic moment.

This is an enhanced version of Tip # 1. Deliver a note with the gift and a glass of orange juice champagne to your partner´s bed. Be a little creative with the note because when you deliver the goods it will be at another location in the house. For example, if you have a bath tub or hot tub, make a good bubble bath for them and set the rest of the champagne bottle in the bathroom. Of course a few candles is romantic and music where possible. Maybe you can pose as the waiter. With a hand towel over your arm.

Or the other location could be at a nicely set table in the kitchen complete with champagne, a lovely "cooked by you"-breakfast, with the hand towel over the arm! Remember to change your note and invite them to the right place not to the garage or the neighbours! Have fun.

Tip # 3 Get Dressed Up and Be Somebody

How about planning a dynamite homecooked meal. You can serve it with a bottle of good wine, candles , romantic music. To make it real special. Send them a written invitation saying that the dress code is "dressed up" . Men, have a shower and shave and use a little quality men's perfume. This is a quality person you will dine with. Most of all, unload the children for overnight if possible. Enjoy the meal and take a trip back to the good old days when you were in love.

Be romantic , live long and happy, Bob and Marianne.®

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Self Acceptance, Be Yourself, Ellen DeGeneres

9/6/2013

Here is a women that we admire very much for being who she is,for being herself. She does a great job of it as a stand-up comedian, a former primary actress in a popular social sit-com and as a hostess to her own TV program,The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Most of all she is best at being Ellen, a lesbian out of the closet, and someone who is willing to stand up and be counted for who and what she is and believes in. It has cost her a lot and she has managed the new path well. This is a very inspiring video, well worth seeing. Enjoy.

Happy 17th of May!

17/5/2013

Recently we have been doing a lot of work to make SteppingStoneLifeCoaching a bi-lingual site, two languages, Norwegian and English. Norsk og engelsk. The job is not yet completed and more changes are to come.

Only the most popular older posts will be translated into Norwegian. So some days you will see Norwegian posts only because we are still catching up.

We apologize for the confusion.

More importantly, Happy 17th of May! Today is Norway's National Day. For me, a Canadian living in Norway, it is a very special day because it is so unique.

Why is it unique? It is very much about celebrating Norway's culture and country particularly children, Norway's future and most important resource.

So much is this true that a children's parade is held throughout the land in every town and city. Thousands of lovely children, many dressed in their National costumes, accompanied by parents and teachers. It is a wonderful and inspiring event.

Gratulerer med dagen! Heia Norge! Marianne og Bob

It is OK to Do Your Best and Be Better

9/4/2013

Have you ever played a game of cards, checkers, Monopoly, pickup basketball, hockey or tag and you experience somebody who loves to win? In fact they simply must win or major disappointment sets in. In some cases folk lose it and get bad - weather angry. Oooooooeeee! That feels very uncomfortable that somebody dumps all their anger sh-t over their unfulfilled expectations on me.

One time a group of young men was playing a game of "Floor hockey" or Bandy, just for the fun of it. Suddenly as Emil, on the losing side, tried to break through the defense to score, he was struck on the shins. A little pain, nothing serious and it was an understandable accident without malicious intent. Emil went nuts and attacked Jay with his stick hitting him several times and punching him on the nose before the rest of us woke up and grabbed hold of Emil.

Maybe you are one of those people who simply must win at everything. Well, in a funny kind of way I could sometimes be your ally because I don't like to see people hurt from losing or to be angry at themselves for losing. Then I sometimes feel that it is better that the other wins and I lose.

Why? Well, clearly I do not like to feel uncomfortable about another's discomfort, particularly when it is directed at me. But is it a good choice to be trying to please others and hide your own light, your abilities and accomplishments, under a camouflage of mediocrity and lack of effort?

I do not believe so. I see it as a mistake unless you conciously do it for your own sake. If I often look after others needs and not my own who will take care of my life development?

At the same time this raises a number of questions and I don't have answers to all of them. Am I being a coward? Some would say yes and maybe humiliate me in the process. I say no. Sometimes I protect myself when I read the atmosphere as dangerous or overly provocative. No, thank you, I say. That is your sh-t and I do not want to be experiencing this.

With those that have this Winner takes all and win at all costs attitude I stay very mindful of their intentions and the potential consequences for myself. How can we work/play together and benefit each other? Or must I walk away from the situation?

Am I simply using this kindness to others as an excuse to not give it my best, not do it? Maybe in some cases and it is nescessary to be mindfull of why and how I make decisions and operate. Then I am at least in control of my choices.

Most important to me though is when I can maybe do something better than others and I don't try it doesn't necessarily mean I can't. It means I chose not to do it. But why? I hope for good reasons. Good for my self development and good for others.

Maybe I'm afraid of failing myself or others. In that case I am afraid of being judged or harshly criticized for my lack of performance. That is very hard on my self esteem as I do not give myself a chance to play in the game. And life is a game isn't it?

It is very liberating to play without self criticism and judgement. To play for the best possibility and the experience of being. That equates to fun and makes you enjoy it. Even when you don't always "win". Think about life coaching to support you in playing fully in the game of life.

Don't get me wrong, I like to win, too. I have dreams of success and fame, but I do not take the results as the only acceptable ends in themselves. It works better that way if you are tired of the whole compete and must win model. At the same time I believe it is important to give it your best shot. To try, fall down, get up and dust yourself and see what you learned and will do next. Were you awake? Good question, yes?

And can I remember to be grateful for these experiences called life? Yes, I am grateful and thank the universe for the opportunity to participate.

I love this business of life! Don't you?®

Live fully, play your best and enjoy life. Have fun! Bob and Marianne

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What is Easter? What is Self Renewal?

18/3/2013

What is Easter to you? Most know the story that lies back Easter and its traditions, practices and symbols.

There is the Jesus Crucifixion, the Jesus Resurrection and all of the religious celebrations, rituals, and folk traditions that have grown out of that. But what does it actually mean for you and me?

For me Easter is many things. It is coloured Easter Eggs, chocolate bunnies, the cross, Jesus and his wounds, suffering, warm stuffy churches, a shared meal with family and friends, days free from work and school, and springtime and daffodils. Here in Norway it is Oranges, baby chickens, chocolate or Kvikk Lunsj as we call it here and Easter Holidays in the mountains x-country skiing.

Then there was the big mysterious disappearance of Jesus after he died on the cross, arose from death, rolled back the stone and ping! he was gone. Nobody ever was able to give me a good clear story about that disappearance. Does this mean he was a fake? I don't think so, but where did he end up? He came back to life, reportedly spoke to a few folks, then what? And along came the Shroud of Turin. Did he end up being a Catholic? Not! More mystery or a marketing concept for Christianity?

I love this poem as it speaks to me.

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower by Dylan Thomas

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower
Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees
Is my destroyer.
And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose
My youth is bent by the same wintry fever.

The force that drives the water through the rocks
Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams
Turns mine to wax. -----!

Easter symbolizes renewal to me, a time to make changes. To become yourself again. Perhaps to find yourself and remember what you are: a soul in a human form having the experience we call life. From the force called life force. We learn from this experience and that is called knowledge.

Do you and I use this Knowledge? Sometimes yes and often no. Much of the time goes by in making wishes about the past and dreaming of the future, creating dramas which are good entertainment and not often the truth. It is a relatively simple consept to reinvent yourself, but it requires commitment and focus.

The Good News is it is doable. Things can change and you have a choice aways how you view things and what you will do. To celibrate this time and opportunity for renewal and change, Stepping Stone Life Coaching wants to make a special offer to you so that you get the jumpstart you want and the support you are looking for with life coaching. Thursday we will outline this offer to you.

In the meantime think about this, " Is it not very, very cool that the same force, energy, that drives and creates all things and that we are all linked together by, that through that flow we influence the creation of the reality we are and can become. " Wow! Wow! Wow! I say with just a little bit of awe and enthusiasm in my voice.

And where is the starting point for renewal? Mindfulness. Living mindfully and on purpose. Damn it, there comes that "on purpose" saying again. I think I am beginning to understand it. All that another day.®

Be bold, be grateful and live mindfully. Love and light, Bob and Marianne.

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Authors

Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.
Marianne, a Norwegian, is a Certified Life Coach, former Conflict Resolution Counsellor. She has also studied five years at the University of Stavanger.

Bob has over 12 years experience as a life coach, career and business counsellor. Bob also worked for some years as a strategic policy analyst. He has a Masters in Public Administration and also worked as Business Consulting Services Manager in Canada.

Please note that all the written material in this blog is Copyright, but can be used or quoted if the source www.steppingstonelifecoaching.com is quoted. Concerns or questions, contact us please.
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