Take a quick look at the picture beside us. Closely! What does it make you think of? It makes me think of a number of different things. Primarily, it makes me think of how do couples solve this sex, love and intimacy puzzle?
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" - Mae West
The following was overheard in a bar, but it could have been anywhere.
"Well, what the hell is intimacy if it isn't sex. Hey, I mean if we are intimate we get sexy together, right. Budda budda bong bong. You know get hot and wild, crazy passionate. That is being intimate. Right!"
In everything we do there are successes and failures. How do you have a successful relationship? And what does that look like to you? In other words, what do you want in a relationship? What skills and techniques do you need to know?
Many have said that there is no magic button to push to quickly get a successful relationship. Let´s say it one more time, there is no magic pill or button, or other quick fix that will get you an immediate entrance into a successful and happy relationship.
However, there is a magic button called choice which starts the process of building
Sex contains a great degree of pleasure power, but can lead to manipulative and sometime insensitive, mindless behaviours. Sex can cause us to be unconscious. So there is mindful sex and mindless sex. Mindful Sex I will talk about another day.
Sex also seems to have become a performance sport, similar to the Olympic sports. This performance focus takes you away from the joy of present moment and the communication possibilities. It becomes goal oriented and attached to success. Is that good? And what is success anyway?
When we first meet and fall in love it is exciting, wonderful and all consuming. Our partner is magic and fantastic and so are we. Life is great we think.
Sex with our new partner/lover is exploration, fun, feelings, explosions, intense, involving and wonderful too. Much of life around us is screened out and we two exist only with our romance and each other. It is great to fall in love and lust.
I recently read an article that said if your partner and you sat down together to watch a truly great romantic movie that it was one of the best things you could do for your relationship/marriage. In fact, the article said that some research had been done which showed this to be the case.
It could be very cool, yes? Is it true?
I do not know the quality or veracity of the research so I cannot really say how valid it is. It is great to see some films but if this is all you do together is watch romantic films then your relationship can be a little shallow. Agreed?
Develop some other interests that you can share too. Pack a lunch and go for a hike, take a course, invest in yourselves and your relationship. Be a tourist in your own town. Join a club. Eat a romatic candlelight breakfast together. Share time with friends. Live, love and laugh!
With Valentines Day coming up I have prepared a list of Romantic Movies for you to choose from. Here are 14 good Romantic Movies to keep the flame burning and your heart pumping. Enjoy!
Happy Valentines Day. Please Like Us or Tweet Us below.
Live, Love and Laugh, Marianne and Bob
What are the "languages of love" ? Sounds interesting, yes. Are there really five different languages of love that one can speak? And what does that mean for a relationship? Is it complicated? Does it work to improve a relationship?
Most of us believe marriage should be based on love. But some days it seems as though you and your partner are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman teaches couples to identify, understand, and speak their partner's primary love language. These love languages he calls quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
By learning the five love languages, you and your partner will discover your own unique love languages and find practical steps to real love. Chapters are organized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps showing how to express a specific language to your partner and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can begin to build a lasting, loving marriage together or get back the love you buried somewhere.
Gary Chapman hosts a US nationally syndicated daily radio program called A Love Language Minute that can be heard on more than 150 radio stations as well as the weekly syndicated program Building Relationships with Gary Chapman, which can both be heard on fivelovelanguages.com.
I recommend The Five Love Languages as a very good starting point. It can improve your relationship in a matter of months. Buy it, read it and practice it.
This is not the only thing you can do. Next time we will talk about the essential communication skills you must learn and use to have a truly loving relationship. Remember, to be heard and understood is to be loved.
Have a mindfully loving week.
Live, love and laugh, Marianne and Bob.
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And do you have any comments?
Several different research projects of couples show that sex, money, children, housework and communications to be the top issues couples argue most often about. The order of the issues changes somewhat in different surveys, but they agree on these top five issues.I asked readers in the last post to indicate their most frequent or top cause for arguing but there were not enough answers to give you any useful feedback.
As said last time, discussion of the issue is essential before you can try and solve the problem. It is so important that both sides are heard and understood. I said heard and understood, not necessarily that you must agree. To hear and understand each other is so powerful that on many occasions it is enough to resolve the issue by itself.
Once you have sorted out what the problem is about the next challenge is to find a strategy to resolve it or live with it.
"God give me the peace of mind to accept that I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference!"
Remember these three research proven assumptions about couples and problems;
1) All couples have problems. You included.
2) Couples who are most effective at problem solving work as a team. You are a team.
3) Most couples in their rush to find quick solutions do not truly consider the concerns of their partner and therefore often fail to produce lasting solutions. Slow down and take the time it requires.
Here are the six steps to handling problems well:
1) Problem Discussion - this I have already talked about above.
2) Problem Solution is divided into five parts.
Until next time, live, love and laugh. Have a good week-end, Bob and Marianne.®
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So many choices so little time. Too much indecision leads to fewer possibilities as time goes by. What does it all mean? What is the key to making changes in your life?
There are three key things we all can do to change to the lives we want and value. Simply stated,there are three steps. First you must mindfully accept where you are at. Second, you must decide where you want to go and visualize it. Third, you must act. Starting has amazing power and leads to the next step, and the next and so on. That is called Success!
Now, let´s take a closer look at each of the three steps.
To accept where you are at mentally, physically, socially and financially is the true starting point for all successful journeys of change. You must do this. For example, if I argue with my partner every day, I must see the situation for what it is. I won't make any progress if I deny it. This is not about judging or criticizing myself. It is about having the right information to make a decision from. To be mindfull and accept your reality is power information not weakness.
Once you accept where you are you have the information you need to decide where you want to be. So when I say to myself that I often argue with my partner; that is where I am. Where do I want to be? I decide that I want a life where my partner and I are happy, we communicate peacefully and have found the love again. That is my goal.
How can I get that happier and better relationship with my partner? I see that I can get help from a life coach or marriage counselor, I can read a book, speak with a friend or take a Relationship Skills course. Maybe I will do all four; where will I start. "I know! I will speak with Paul and read that marriage book. Then I will speak with my partner and we can take that Relationship/Marriage Skills course. Afterwards we can get some coaching."
Last step. Take action, start moving. So I will phone Paul and go over and speak with him. On the way over to Paul´s house I will buy the book. Before I go over to Paul´s I will make an appoinment with my wife to talk about things, us. I will ask her to enroll in the course with me.
Best of luck to all of you who want to make life changes. The process is the same no matter what you want to change.®
Get started now, and take action. Live, Love and be Happy, Marianne and Bob
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If you want to do a job you need the right tools and knowledge to do it. If I wish to build a house, paint a room, make a dress, cook a great meal, I will, in each case, need the right tools and knowledge about how to do it. Obviously the quality of tools/knowledge is very important too.
The same goes for a relationship. If you want to have and keep a good relationship then you need some tools and knowledge of how to do it. The better the tools and knowledge you can get, the better chance you have of building a good and happy relationship. When I speak of tools here, I do not mean "hammer and saw" tools, but tools such as courses, training and coaching. Click here to see our 1 day PREP course. In our opinion, PREP is the best relationship course available. It is the only course backed up by solid research!
How do you know when a course is good, training is good or coaches are competent? Good question, yes?
The answer is look at the history. How was the course or training developed? Are the people qualified or experienced? Are there references or research about the course? Are the teachers trained? When in doubt ask. And don't be shy about asking them. Who are you and why should I take this course from you?
So how do you maintain your relationship and find the love again? You develop Real Love in your relationship by investing some time and money in yourselves and the skills you must have. How much do we spend on a new blouse, a new car or an evening out for two? How long does that keep us happy? Are you willing to invest some time and money to get the Tools and Knowledge you must have to have a loving and happier relationship? Click here to read more about Real Love.
Have a great week and live, love and laugh. Marianne and Bob
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Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.