Take a quick look at the picture beside us. Closely! What does it make you think of? It makes me think of a number of different things. Primarily, it makes me think of how do couples solve this sex, love and intimacy puzzle?
1) Say what you mean clearly. – Give people the information they need, rather than expecting them to know. Information keeps the engines of communications running. Communicate clearly. Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours. Many relationship problems, big and small, in families, friendships, or business, often start with unclear communication.
2) Mean what you say. - Part of being clear is to be certain that what you said you will do is that thing you do. Then do it! Do not come and say afterward “ Oh, I didn’t
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" - Mae West
The following was overheard in a bar, but it could have been anywhere.
"Well, what the hell is intimacy if it isn't sex. Hey, I mean if we are intimate we get sexy together, right. Budda budda bong bong. You know get hot and wild, crazy passionate. That is being intimate. Right!"
In everything we do there are successes and failures. How do you have a successful relationship? And what does that look like to you? In other words, what do you want in a relationship? What skills and techniques do you need to know?
Many have said that there is no magic button to push to quickly get a successful relationship. Let´s say it one more time, there is no magic pill or button, or other quick fix that will get you an immediate entrance into a successful and happy relationship.
However, there is a magic button called choice which starts the process of building
Sex contains a great degree of pleasure power, but can lead to manipulative and sometime insensitive, mindless behaviours. Sex can cause us to be unconscious. So there is mindful sex and mindless sex. Mindful Sex I will talk about another day.
Sex also seems to have become a performance sport, similar to the Olympic sports. This performance focus takes you away from the joy of present moment and the communication possibilities. It becomes goal oriented and attached to success. Is that good? And what is success anyway?
When we first meet and fall in love it is exciting, wonderful and all consuming. Our partner is magic and fantastic and so are we. Life is great we think.
Sex with our new partner/lover is exploration, fun, feelings, explosions, intense, involving and wonderful too. Much of life around us is screened out and we two exist only with our romance and each other. It is great to fall in love and lust.
This is nothing new, and many have said it before. But it’s worth repeating again, because it is so truly important to your life´s success.
Previously in "You are What You Eat", we said the people you hang around with help create your attitudes, shaping your thoughts, behaviours and your life.
In other words attitudes rub off and thoughts are viral. Positive thoughts can take us in one direction and negative thoughts in another.
Who do you hang out with now? Are they motivated? Happy? Enthusiastic? Lazy? Critical? Blaming? Remember you always have a choice. What or whom will you choose?
If you hang out with motivated people you will be more likely to get motivated too.
When you associate with unmotivated or lazy types, it's more difficult to be enthusiastic and motivated.
Part of the solution is to find some new people who are motivated, industrious, positive and focussed. You can do this live, online or in a book. Add some new persons into your life.
You become what you eat and whom you associate with!
Remember, your attitude determines your altitude! Choose the one you will have.
Live, love and laugh, Marianne and Bob.
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I recently read an article that said if your partner and you sat down together to watch a truly great romantic movie that it was one of the best things you could do for your relationship/marriage. In fact, the article said that some research had been done which showed this to be the case.
It could be very cool, yes? Is it true?
I do not know the quality or veracity of the research so I cannot really say how valid it is. It is great to see some films but if this is all you do together is watch romantic films then your relationship can be a little shallow. Agreed?
Develop some other interests that you can share too. Pack a lunch and go for a hike, take a course, invest in yourselves and your relationship. Be a tourist in your own town. Join a club. Eat a romatic candlelight breakfast together. Share time with friends. Live, love and laugh!
With Valentines Day coming up I have prepared a list of Romantic Movies for you to choose from. Here are 14 good Romantic Movies to keep the flame burning and your heart pumping. Enjoy!
Happy Valentines Day. Please Like Us or Tweet Us below.
Live, Love and Laugh, Marianne and Bob
What are the "languages of love" ? Sounds interesting, yes. Are there really five different languages of love that one can speak? And what does that mean for a relationship? Is it complicated? Does it work to improve a relationship?
Most of us believe marriage should be based on love. But some days it seems as though you and your partner are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman teaches couples to identify, understand, and speak their partner's primary love language. These love languages he calls quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
By learning the five love languages, you and your partner will discover your own unique love languages and find practical steps to real love. Chapters are organized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps showing how to express a specific language to your partner and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can begin to build a lasting, loving marriage together or get back the love you buried somewhere.
Gary Chapman hosts a US nationally syndicated daily radio program called A Love Language Minute that can be heard on more than 150 radio stations as well as the weekly syndicated program Building Relationships with Gary Chapman, which can both be heard on fivelovelanguages.com.
I recommend The Five Love Languages as a very good starting point. It can improve your relationship in a matter of months. Buy it, read it and practice it.
This is not the only thing you can do. Next time we will talk about the essential communication skills you must learn and use to have a truly loving relationship. Remember, to be heard and understood is to be loved.
Have a mindfully loving week.
Live, love and laugh, Marianne and Bob.
Please remember to Like Us or Tweet Us below. Thank you all dear readers.
And do you have any comments?
It never ceases to amaze me what kind of ridiculous statements some people make that put themselves out as so called relationship and marriage experts.
Perhaps they have never been in a concious relationship or don't know the difference between a man and a woman! Or maybe that comes from the old fashioned belief that men are superior to women. Or that women are victims.
Seriously, you know what I mean. You do not need stupidity which leads you in the wrong direction, which promises, but can't possibly deliver.
If you want to save your relationship, build a better relationship or go from a relationship with some important knowledge you can use another place and time, listen up! There are a few key things to understand before you go further.
What goes wrong in a relationship or marriage is generally not all your partner´s fault. So blaming them and putting on your Victim T shirt really doesn't work very well. You are a team. There are two of you and you both go into a relationship with very little experience or skills, and often bad roll models behind you. It is this lack of skills and techniques, or a lack of willingness to learn, plus some bad old habits and beliefs which cause your relationship problems and will continue to do so unless you are willing to change them.
So the facts are: first, you are responsible for your own thoughts and behaviours and you cannot blame your partner for this. It simply does not create a good and happy relationship. It is time to learn new techniques and see how you think and act and how to change it. It is not about criticizing yourself, rather it is about learning by watching yourself and taking feedback as information not criticism. You can learn from the mistakes you make by seeing them. It´s the right information you are looking for.
Second, you need to learn how to communicate with your partner. Many, many of you do not know how to speak so your partner will listen and to listen so that they will speak. This is not about I am right and you are wrong. It is not about I know it all and you can listen to me. Nor is it about not listening to your opposite while you prepare your answer or counter attack. You need a system where safe and open communication take place and the right problems get solved. It works miracles, absolute miracles. Yes, it requires learning and practice.
Third, you must have a method for solving your problems. Do you have one? Does it work? I can't hear you as you are shouting too loudly. Honestly, you must have a method for solving your problems. Both of you must learn and agree to use the same method.
Fourth, now is the time to learn your partner´s languages of love. It is very often not the same for both partners. This can lead to lots of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger and disappointments. The language of love your partner understands best must be understood and used. And yours by them. You are a team and succeed by learning how to play well together.
Last point for now. The relationship you had with all the magic, romance, intensity and sex and newness will disappear and needs to be replaced by a different form of relationship. The new relationship will contain elements of the old, but will not be the romantic love relationship which cools down after just 9 months to 2 years. Here is where Real Love starts.
Our plan over the next four posts is to talk about the above four points so that you have some new information to think about and grow with.
Have a Real Loving weekend, Live, Love and Laugh, Marianne and Bob
Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.