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How to Deal With Critcism

14/7/2014

 
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Is what you are hearing criticism or is it just information, so called feedback? Our daily lives, job, home and relationships are full of criticism, judgements,feedback and evaluations. And even if you think you don't do it, you do. And you likely do it more often than you think.

Your partner tells you do something this way or that way. Or you tell them, "You did this wrong and didn't finish that properly. You could have done that better by using this method, etc." Was the task really important? Does it really matter if it was done this way or that way? Would you rather be right or be happy? Well---?

Quite often folks think they are being helpful by making suggestions for change or improvements and sometimes they are. Often you may interpret that as unecessary criticism or judgement of  who you are when often it is not, it is information that you sometimes need to know and understand. At the end of the day, it is not necessary to agree but it is critically important to understand and accept their opinions and feelings as valid for them. 


When you write a report or e-mail maybe the same person often gives you feedback about where you can make improvements to something that is seemingly insignificant. People make spontaneous suggestions about the colour of a shirt or blouse that would go better with your jacket. Or you misinterpret information in a discussion as criticism or denial of what you said. Conversation is a dialogue which means every person has a meaning. Listen and understand them as them, not a denial of you. What was their intention? How do you know? Maybe you do not and must ask so you have the right information. Do not react or interpret. Stop, Look and Listen!

Feedback/criticism is a part of life. We need it to function and to communicate. What do we get from it, information, a swollen head or a wounded heart?


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Ten Tips to Use in Your Relationships

12/6/2014

 
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1) Say what you mean clearly. – Give people the information they need, rather than expecting them to know.  Information keeps the engines of communications running.  Communicate clearly.  Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours.  Many relationship problems, big and small, in families, friendships, or business, often start with unclear communication.

2) Mean what you say. - Part of being clear is to be certain that what you said you will do is that thing you do. Then do it! Do not come and say afterward “ Oh, I didn’t


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Sex, Intimacy and Love - Part Three

28/3/2014

 

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" - Mae West

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The following was overheard in a bar, but it could have been anywhere.



"Well, what the hell is intimacy if it isn't sex. Hey, I mean if we are intimate we get sexy together, right. Budda budda bong bong. You know get hot and wild, crazy passionate. That is being intimate. Right!"




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Sex, Intimacy and Love - Part Two

15/3/2014

 
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Sex contains a great degree of pleasure power, but can lead to manipulative and sometime insensitive, mindless behaviours. Sex can cause us to be unconscious. So there is mindful sex and mindless sex. Mindful Sex I will talk about another day.

Sex also seems to have become a performance sport, similar to the Olympic sports. This performance focus takes you away from the joy of present moment and the communication possibilities. It becomes goal oriented and attached to success. Is that good? And what is success anyway?


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Marriage, Divorce and Love, #4 - Arguing and Issues

11/10/2013

 
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What are the top issues which start most arguments with couples? What are the issues that cause most of your arguments? Share your top issues below. Go ahead, it is painless. We will share the results with you in the next post. No names or email addresses necessary. It takes 1 minute.

Usually couples begin to argue about something because things go out of balance. It can seem to be a little thing, but it triggers a big underlying issue. For example, I end up mislaying something, my smart phone. It is not soooo important, still we end up arguing. The real issue in this case could be criticism and self respect. Not what I first became angry about.

    What is Your Top Argument Issue?

Submit
In a relationship you are part of a team, Team Realtionship. When things go well you function well together. You have a sense of harmony and happiness, Real Love. A relationship is not about worshipping the other or putting yourself in second place. It is about we, the two of you working to create a balanced and happy life. You create and keep Real Love in the relationship. 

How to keep that balance, keep the love? Learn some proven techniques. 

An important step is to solve your problems when they come up. Identifying the underlying issue as you have just done creates a focus for discussion. (Have you finished? Do it Now!) Problem solving is only possible when you have a full and complete discussion of the issue before you focus on the problem solving. 

First step always, using the Speaker - Listener technique (scroll down to Marriage Divorce and Love #3), discuss fully the issue that has come up. Take your time. This part is most important. Rather do it when you cool down. Take a time out and agree to come back to it later.

Now it is time to speak with each other. The children are asleep, or with mom or the babysitter and the TV, cell phones, tablets and computers are turned off. You are sitting down to speak with and listen to each other as equal partners. The discussion ends when both of you feel you have been heard and understood. 

Now you can agree to move on to problem solving. We will give you a technique in the next post.®

Have a very good weekend. Live, Love and Be happy, Marianne and Bob.


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Marriage Divorce and Love #3- Support Love

28/9/2013

 
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So here is the big one in relationships.

To keep love, love has to grow and change over time. Love has to keep growing to get to be Real Love instead of a bandaged and bleeding version of romantic love, which was never love, just infatuation that was never built upon. 

What do you need more than anything to make this Real Love happen? Could it be that you and your partner need to really understand and respect each other? Research says a Big yes! And how might that come about?

Good communication is the way. Without that it is an uphill battle all the way. And what is good communication? It is the sharing of information, in such a way that it is understood by the listener.

 Using a model called the Speaker - Listener technique, life can quickly change for the better  with some practice and a little coaching.Good communication skills are at the very heart of all good relationships, personal, romantic, social and business. 

Here is success in a nutshell. Listen to the person speaking, no interruptions. In order to insure both of you have understood, summarize back to them your understanding of what they have said. Assume your partner follows the same process. Things will go much better.

Note that this is a powerhouse of a technique and requires a little practice like all good things. We shall teach this technique, coach you and much more at our PREP Course , October 26.

Other important points to good communication in couples follows. Pay attention! Be in the Now, it is the only time you will have. Do not drift into the past or be lost in the future. Stay with what your partner is saying and understand. If you do not understand, ask.

Now it is your turn to speak. Be as clear as you can and to the point. Do not create a lecture out of something that can be expressed simply and directly. You partner will also know this process and together you will experience success and get the love back in your relationship.

Do not give up. Never. It takes practice to get it right and making mistakes is perfectly OK. That is how we learn. As well, keep your sense of humour. It is something to laugh about. Go communicate now!

Live, Love and Laugh, Marianne and Bob.

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 Self Acceptance, Be Yourself, Ellen DeGeneres 

9/6/2013

 
Here is a women that we admire very much for being who she is,for  being herself. She does a great job of it as a stand-up comedian, a former primary actress in a popular social sit-com and as a hostess to her own TV program,The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Most of all she is best at being Ellen, a lesbian out of the closet, and someone who is willing to stand up and be counted for who and what she is and believes in. It has cost her a lot and she has managed the new path well. This is a very inspiring video, well worth seeing. Enjoy.

Happy 17th of May!

17/5/2013

 
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Recently we have been doing a lot of work to make SteppingStoneLifeCoaching a bi-lingual site, two languages, Norwegian and English. Norsk og engelsk. The job is not yet completed and more changes are to come. 

Only the most popular older posts will be translated into Norwegian. So some days you will see Norwegian posts only because we are still catching up.

We apologize for the confusion.

More importantly, Happy 17th of May! Today is Norway's National Day. For me, a Canadian living in Norway, it is a very special day because it is so unique.

Why is it unique? It is very much about celebrating Norway's culture and country particularly children, Norway's future and most important resource. 

So much is this true that a children's parade is held throughout the land in every town and city. Thousands of lovely children, many dressed in their National costumes, accompanied by parents and teachers. It is a wonderful and inspiring event. 

Gratulerer med dagen! Heia Norge! Marianne og Bob


How to Have a Great Relationship?

23/4/2013

 
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What is a great relationship? How do you get one? 

A great relationship is one that works to give both persons the chance to grow, live life fully, experience happiness and sadness together and alone and know that someone is there to share and grow with you. Bad and good. Happy and sad.

A great relationship is not about entertainment. It is a living experience that you learn from, sharing pleasure and pain, challenges and rewards, fun and boredom.Things are not one-sided. The balanced dynamics of working together create massive positive energy and opportunity to live a wonderful and joyful life. Yippeee!

A great relationship is about love. And that is about balance, respect and perspective.

A great relationship, love, does not mean that hot sex happens all the time. Nor does it mean romance and "oh, what a wonderful feeling" all the time. It is not fulltime happiness, being seen as cool or beautiful, being admired or being seen as tough, feminine, masculine or successful. It is not about a big house, fancy car or prestigious jobs. But it is about learning to create a good and joyful life sharing together.

It does not mean that everything you do and every breath you take needs to be together. Shared. I will guarantee you that if you try to live that way it is most likely you will choke each other, killing your relationship and any chance for spontaniety and personal growth. A great and loving relationship needs to create space for both to live and breathe and safety to talk with each other.

A loving relationship does mean being who you are and being accepted for who you are. It is being truly heard by the other person without criticism and judgement. To be truly heard is to listen to your viewpoint and accept your feelings as real for you. 

To be in a great relationship, to be loved, does not mean that you must agree with all that your partner says or vice versa. It does mean that you must accept their feelings as true for them and that you must be willing to listen, to hear and accept how they feel. Again, you may not agree with them, but you must hear them and accept how they feel. Why? Because my feelings are mine, not yours. My feelings are true for me, always!

A great relationship, love of another, does not mean that abuse is acceptable on any level. Abuse, violence and disrespect have no place in a loving relationship. If I require you to do things which dehumanize you or the family, it is not love or kindness. And there are no excuses. I am not responsible for my wife's behaviour nor is she for mine. You and I are responsible for our own behaviour and thoughts.

A great relationship, love, is a wonderful, magical experience. It has some basic components that keep it going. These ingredients are a willingness to learn, openness, honesty, good communication, respect and problem solving skills. Also it is very important to see the other and believe in their potential as a human being.

Commitment to the relationship is necessary, otherwise we would walk away when the hot romance has died down and the work starts. Or you might begin to manipulate, act out various dramas or withdraw. It is like the relationship is a third person that also needs equal ongoing respect and support.

To try and control the other and the relationship to get what you want, is no guarantee of success. In fact it is likely to go in the wrong direction at some point even though it looks like success in the beginning.

A good relationship needs willingness to do the work when it comes to that point. Know that the benefits are huge and there is no income tax on what you win and become in a good, loving, relationship. You will always have that knowledge of yourself and life and nobody can take it from you.

I could talk for a very long time about how much you learn about yourself in a relationship when you are willing to be concious and non-judgemental. But, it is here that much of the Magic of creating a great life together is found. 

Can you learn to have a great and loving relationship? Can you learn to improve the quality and the love in your relationship? Yes, you can. It takes some commitment, knowledge and work and is well worth the investment you will make in time and money.®


Live long and be happy, Marianne and Bob


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Questions or opinions? Comment below. Thank you.



I Can't Hear You I'm Too Busy Talking

14/4/2013

 
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When we lived and studied at the Yashodhara Ashram in Canada for five months the two of us learned a lot about ourselves, self development, personality, Hatha Yoga, silence, meditation and chanting. It was a wonderful time of our lives and continues to give us that deep foundation to work and live from.

We are in our hearts very kind, enthusiastic and helpful people. Like many others in this world we like to contribute, to talk and share ideas. Bob, on the right, can be very enthusiastic, sometimes talk too much and has a strong voice. 

During our time at the Ashram (retreat and learning center) we periodically met in smaller discusssion groups to do some reflections and discuss various topics. 

One of the first afternoons I walked into a group talking enthusiastically and loudly. All of a sudden our group leader, Swami Gopalananda, spoke to me and asked, "Bob, do you always have to fill the space with the sound of your own voice?" It was a shock. It was a Kodak Moment. It was a giant learning experience that I have taken with me and remember deeply to this day. That comment has shaped how I am with others in my life now.

That is not the only thing that shaped me as I have studied and learned much about relationships and communications, meditation and mindfullness and self development that have also shaped me. As well I live in a relationship where good and open communication has a very high value. We practice what we preach. However, that comment about filling up the space with the sound of my own voice was Powerful and hit the Target.

Surprise, surprise, I am not perfect and still am overwhelmed on some occasions by my enthusiasm and speak more and louder than I need to. I remember the comment and can stop myself because there is an awareness about "Filling the space with the sound of my own voice."

"And you know what?" Bob says enthusiastically. "When you are busy filling up the space, the room, the car, with the sound of your own voice you don't hear the other person. You do not make space for them in the relationship."

What can you do? Stop talking and being enthusiastic? No way! Rather learn to be mindful and learn some new communications and relationship techniques from a qualified and experienced Life Coach. 

We also suggest you read earlier blog posts from February 27th, March 6th, 10th and 12th. For those of you who read English only please be aware that the post from February 27th is in Norwegian. 

Have a wonderfully mindful week and communicate thoughtfully.


Live long and prosper, Marianne and Bob ®








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    Authors

    Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.
    Marianne, a Norwegian, is a Certified Life Coach, former Conflict Resolution Counsellor. She has also studied five years at the University of Stavanger.

    Bob has over 12 years experience as a life coach, career and business counsellor. Bob also worked for some years as a strategic policy analyst. He has a Masters in Public Administration and also worked as Business Consulting Services Manager in Canada. 

    Please note that all the written material in this blog is Copyright, but can be used or quoted if the source   www.steppingstonelifecoaching.com is quoted. Concerns or questions, contact us please. 
    And please leave a comment, we would love to understand you a bit better.

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