Category: Responsibility

How to Save Your Life and The Earth Too

25/9/2014

Please take a few minutes to read this and think about it. It is impossible to run from or ignore but together we can change the outcome.

Today I have a great deal of fear about what the future holds for all of us. My children, your children and grandchildren, our friends and neighbours. This is not because of ISS Jihadists or bombs and terrorism. It is the rapid destruction of our green planet that concerns me. Climate change has happened. It is a fact.

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How to Deal With Critcism

14/7/2014

Is what you are hearing criticism or is it just information, so called feedback? Our daily lives, job, home and relationships are full of criticism, judgements,feedback and evaluations. And even if you think you don't do it, you do. And you likely do it more often than you think.

Your partner tells you do something this way or that way. Or you tell them, "You did this wrong and didn't finish that properly. You could have done that better by using this method, etc." Was the task really important? Does it really matter if it was done this way or that way? Would you rather be right or be happy? Well---?

Quite often folks think they are being helpful by making suggestions for change or improvements and sometimes they are. Often you may interpret that as unecessary criticism or judgement of who you are when often it is not, it is information that you sometimes need to know and understand. At the end of the day, it is not necessary to agree but it is critically important to understand and accept their opinions and feelings as valid for them.

When you write a report or e-mail maybe the same person often gives you feedback about where you can make improvements to something that is seemingly insignificant. People make spontaneous suggestions about the colour of a shirt or blouse that would go better with your jacket. Or you misinterpret information in a discussion as criticism or denial of what you said. Conversation is a dialogue which means every person has a meaning. Listen and understand them as them, not a denial of you. What was their intention? How do you know? Maybe you do not and must ask so you have the right information. Do not react or interpret. Stop, Look and Listen!

Feedback/criticism is a part of life. We need it to function and to communicate. What do we get from it, information, a swollen head or a wounded heart?

Ten Tips to Use in Your Relationships

12/6/2014

1) Say what you mean clearly. – Give people the information they need, rather than expecting them to know. Information keeps the engines of communications running. Communicate clearly. Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours. Many relationship problems, big and small, in families, friendships, or business, often start with unclear communication.

2) Mean what you say. - Part of being clear is to be certain that what you said you will do is that thing you do. Then do it! Do not come and say afterward “ Oh, I didn’t

Love, Marriage and Divorce, Part 6, The Facts

31/1/2014

It never ceases to amaze me what kind of ridiculous statements some people make that put themselves out as so called relationship and marriage experts.

Perhaps they have never been in a concious relationship or don't know the difference between a man and a woman! Or maybe that comes from the old fashioned belief that men are superior to women. Or that women are victims.

Seriously, you know what I mean. You do not need stupidity which leads you in the wrong direction, which promises, but can't possibly deliver.

If you want to save your relationship, build a better relationship or go from a relationship with some important knowledge you can use another place and time, listen up! There are a few key things to understand before you go further.

What goes wrong in a relationship or marriage is generally not all your partner´s fault. So blaming them and putting on your Victim T shirt really doesn't work very well. You are a team. There are two of you and you both go into a relationship with very little experience or skills, and often bad roll models behind you. It is this lack of skills and techniques, or a lack of willingness to learn, plus some bad old habits and beliefs which cause your relationship problems and will continue to do so unless you are willing to change them.

So the facts are: first, you are responsible for your own thoughts and behaviours and you cannot blame your partner for this. It simply does not create a good and happy relationship. It is time to learn new techniques and see how you think and act and how to change it. It is not about criticizing yourself, rather it is about learning by watching yourself and taking feedback as information not criticism. You can learn from the mistakes you make by seeing them. It´s the right information you are looking for.

Second, you need to learn how to communicate with your partner. Many, many of you do not know how to speak so your partner will listen and to listen so that they will speak. This is not about I am right and you are wrong. It is not about I know it all and you can listen to me. Nor is it about not listening to your opposite while you prepare your answer or counter attack. You need a system where safe and open communication take place and the right problems get solved. It works miracles, absolute miracles. Yes, it requires learning and practice.

Third, you must have a method for solving your problems. Do you have one? Does it work? I can't hear you as you are shouting too loudly. Honestly, you must have a method for solving your problems. Both of you must learn and agree to use the same method.

Fourth, now is the time to learn your partner´s languages of love. It is very often not the same for both partners. This can lead to lots of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger and disappointments. The language of love your partner understands best must be understood and used. And yours by them. You are a team and succeed by learning how to play well together.

Last point for now. The relationship you had with all the magic, romance, intensity and sex and newness will disappear and needs to be replaced by a different form of relationship. The new relationship will contain elements of the old, but will not be the romantic love relationship which cools down after just 9 months to 2 years. Here is where Real Love starts.

Our plan over the next four posts is to talk about the above four points so that you have some new information to think about and grow with.

Have a Real Loving weekend, Live, Love and Laugh, Marianne and Bob

You Are What You Eat - Part Two

30/12/2013

In Part One I talked about the food you eat and how you need to develop trusted information sources to help you sort out the truth from the lies.

As said before, everything you take into your life ends up as part of you, forming who you are. The music you listen to, the books you read, the air you breath, the water you drink, the friends and colleagues you have, the food you eat, the movies and TV you see, the radio stations you listen to, your family, your school or university, your beliefs and values, the thoughts you think. All these things create who you are and how you behave.

Today I will talk about thoughts. Your thoughts become things so choose the good ones, says Mike Dooley. And choosing means learning to be conscious, to live mindfully.

The Merriam Webster Online dictionary says that a thought is an idea, plan, opinion, picture,etc., that is formed in your mind: something you think of. Most of us, most of the time are not aware of the information we take in and how it becomes anchored through repetition and reinforced by pain and pleasure. Our experiences filtered by our previous conditioning,learning, values and habits come from all these different input sources.

To get right to the point, our habits, beliefs, values and behaviors are just there and we are not generally aware of them, how they were formed and how we automatically react to various stimuli in our life. The good news is you don't really have to understand how your thoughts and behaviours were formed or come from to make changes. Changes are made through mindfulness of our lives, how we think and behave.

Developing a mindfullness practice teaches us how to see who we are and how we think and behave, especially automatically or habitually. When I watch myself and how I use my day, such as waking with loud music, watching the Late News of Murder Mayhem and Deception just before attempting to sleep, hanging out with negative and critical people, reading very judgemental newspapers I can begin to see that these inputs create a certain state in me. In this case quite negative, critical and unpeaceful view of life. This of course influences in turn all my other experiences.

So if I want to change something negative and critical and fear producing to positive, open minded and peaceful then I must change the inputs. Get rid of the fear, the criticism, judgementalism and deception and replace it with the truth.

Lets take another example. The people you spend your time with. Do they have an influence on how you experience and live your life? On your successes and happiness? The answer is a big Yes. If you hang out with folks who are often critical and know everything there is to know about life then you become affected by these people.

If you want a more successful, happy and interesting life one thing you can do is change certain elements such as people who you spend your time with. Replace these inputs with those type of people that lift you up not put you and the world down. Now you have begun to change your thoughts and your beliefs and consequently behaviours.

Change your thoughts and beliefs and you will change your behaviors. When your behaviors are changed your life changes. If you do this mindfully life will swing in the direction you want not the wants and desires of others.

Some references to seriously consider are the following. Eckhardt Tolle, "A New Earth". Probably his clearest and best book. Thich Nhat Hanh, a world renowned Vietnamise buddhist monk, wrote "The Miracle of Mindfullness". Byron Katie: "Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Also known as the work." Jon Kabat-Zinn, " Mindfullness for Beginners".

SO take control of your thoughts and beliefs and have a great year.

“Two people may suffer the same disappointment, one might be saddened, the other understanding.
Two people may receive the same insult, one might be hurt, and the other compassionate.
Two people may have the same disagreement, one might be angered, the other feel love.
How you react to circumstances, people and things, IS A CHOICE, YOUR CHOICE... based on YOUR use of understanding yourself and living mindfully."

Live, Love and Laugh, Bob and Marianne,

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You are What You Eat - Part One

10/12/2013

You are what you eat. What does that really mean?

Everything you take into your life forms who you are. The music you listen to, the books you read, the air you breath, water you drink, the friends and colleagues you have, the food you eat, the thoughts you think, the movies and TV you see, the radio stations you listen to, your family, your beliefs and values. All these things create who you are.

Today we are going to talk a little about the food you eat.

This will not be about a new weight loss diet. It will not be about a new super energy high potency, increase your libido diet. This is about a "taking care about what you eat and where you get it from" diet. This is about eating healthy to prevent serious health challenges. In the process you may well lose weight.

You are what you eat and you are responsible for creating that healthy or unhealthy person you will be. This is not as easy as some may think as it means getting good at finding and trusting truthful sources of information. We live in a world where information is constantly manipulated and given out in a limited form to tell a more favourable story for those whose main agenda is often about making money or supporting a partially true or misleading story.

Renowned neurologist David Perlmutter, MD, in his most recent book, Brain Grain, blows the lid off a topic that's been buried in medical literature for far too long: carbs are destroying your brain. And not just unhealthy carbs, but even healthy ones like whole grains can cause dementia, ADHD, anxiety, chronic headaches, depression, and much more.

Dr. Perlmutter explains what happens when the brain encounters common ingredients in your daily bread and fruit bowls, why your brain thrives on fat and cholesterol, and how you can spur the growth of new brain cells at any age. He offers an in-depth look at how we can take control of our "smart genes" through specific dietary choices and lifestyle habits, demonstrating how to remedy our most feared maladies without drugs. With a revolutionary 30-day plan, GRAIN BRAIN teaches us how we can reprogram our genetic destiny for the better.

Read this book it is a trustworthy source and will change dramatically how you see your food and perhaps the way you eat. Absolutely priceless information!

The next important health and food information source is Dr. Joseph Mercola the founder of Mercola.com the World's #1 Natural Health Website. Dr. Mercola is also somebody to trust having no hidden agendas and a wealth of free information about food, our diets and the dangers that lie in the present healthcare system and technologies such as Vaccinations, for example.

To quote Dr. Mercola: "My motivation, whether you are a member of the Mercola.com community, or have just heard about me for the first time, is to make you as healthy as you can possibly be. This involves:

Providing the most up to date natural health information and resources that will most benefit you and,
Exposing corporate, government and mass media hype that diverts you away from what is truly best for your health and often to a path that leads straight into an early grave.

Mercola.com is not, in other words, a tool to get me a bigger house and car, or to run for Senate. I fund this site, and therefore, am not handcuffed to any advertisers, silent partners or corporate parents.

When I offer or recommend products, I do so because I have actively researched them and find they are the best in that category for your health. I ignore substandard products, and products not directly pertinent to your health, regardless of any potential financial upside."

I cannot think of a better source of information on food, health and the risks of outdated and profit seeking medical treatment systems. All this information is free and to the point. No fluff and hidden agendas.

Good health, happiness and growing awareness on the choices you can make for a better life.®

Live, love and laugh, Bob and Marianne.

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Marriage, Divorce and Love

15/9/2013

Divorce rates in countries are measured in different ways. An often used measure is how many divorces there are per 1000 citizens. This statistic doesn't tell you very much other than the trends over a period of time. What does 8 divorces per 1000 people per year really mean? Not much. It conceals more than it reveals.

A more interesting number is the percent of marriages which end in divorce. It is commonly accepted by researchers that in the USA and Norway, for example, the rate lies between 41 to 51% in first time marriages and around 60% in second marriages.

One thing is certain. Divorce rates are very high and the personal and societal costs and pain involved is enormous. It is for me, doubly sad when you think that most of us start off in marriage "in love." We have fallen in love. What a rush. What a wonderful thing, being in love. But what is love? And what is falling in love?

Take a minute now and answer those two questions for yourself. Go ahead do it, nobody has to see your answers, right? Oh, by the way, why do we fall out of love? What happens?

Well, here is what researchers and marriage and relationship counsellors have found out. Falling in love is a state of heightened arousal and euphoria created by the relationship you have with another person. Research shows that this period usually does not last longer than between nine months and two years.

During this period we are not always as practical and logical as we could be. Our feet are often not touching the ground. We live in this fantastic dream world. We see our partners as perfect and wonderful. Nothing could go wrong. But it does. Why? And how can we keep the love in a relationship?

After two years or less we start to see our feet touch the ground. We become more realistic, critical and demanding. Usually falling out of love is not the same lightning strike experience as falling in love was. In fact it takes some years before that seemingly perfect relationship you had is not at all perfect. It has become stressful, unsatisfying and unhappy.

At this point, people often ask, "What happened to the love?"

In the past there were two ways of dealing with this. To stay or to leave the relationship. Fifty years and more back in time people toughed it out. It was a commitment and they stayed to the bitter end. Looking at some of the results of this approach we see it wasn't always positive. The other way was to walk away, to get divorced. People did not divorce so easily back then. That has changed as todays statistics show.

This does not mean that those who stuck it out and stayed with it until the end were better or smarter than you. But researchers and experienced marriage counsellors have found there is a third way. That third way is to learn some relationship skills and techniques and do the work to put them in practice. This builds Real Love.

Next post we will talk about Real Love. What happened to the love? What are the skills and techniques you need to learn and practice to personally grow and create a wonderful and lasting relationship? Also, a heads up. We will be holding a super one day course with lunch for max 5 couples on October 26th. Details to be forthcoming.

Hey, please remember to comment, Like Us or Tweet us below. Thanks and have a wonderful week, Bob and Marianne. ®

Hero, Leader or Villain? Edward Snowden.

16/6/2013

Exclusive Story of the Guardian, UK

Usually this blog focusses on communications, relationships, life coaching and mindfullness, but we are taking a different direction today to comment on a case which has serious and far reaching implications for all of us on the planet. WARNING! This is heavy stuff so don't read further if you don't like heavy.

Edward Snowden, 29 years old, former CIA employee and of late a contract intelligence employee to a consulting firm in Hawaii, earning $200,000 per year, has decided to risk the good quality life he had. He has blown the whistle on a gigantic secret and unaccountable internet and telephone information gathering and spy system called Prism operated by the National Security Administration, NSA, in the USA. For him the founding principles of freedom and openess are more important than his job and lifestyle supporting NSA and Prism.

Many feel he is a hero and are beginning to ask for his pardon or absolution from all possible charges even though no charges have yet been laid. Many feel he is a leader in the sense that one can not just stand around and wait for somebody else to do something about evil and corrupt things. Snowden himself feels he had to be a leader and could not sit with the information he had while a Police State is being formed.

In that sense this is about mindfullness. Do you ignore evil, dishonesty and secrecy because you are comfortable or what? Take action maybe? Talk about it maybe?

Many see him as a villain and are beginning to beat the war drums for his prosecution. He is being painted as a threat to USA security. He is being painted as a villain and Obama, the NSA and Prism as the protectors of Liberty. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Only the truth, no matter how painful, will set you free.

Many feel the very behavior that the NSA, Obama and the US Government indulges in is a reason we have become less secure and focus more and more on military and intelligence controls of our world. Meanwhile in the USA, hundreds of thousands are unemployed and living on the streets. The US economy is in a shambles.

Many commentators and analysts will say that the US has moved very long in the Direction of a Facist State protecting the priveleges of the few at the cost of freedom to the majority.

I feel that Snowden is a leader and an Americain Hero. Yes, he is guilty of breaking US laws. But these were laws that at their core were written to protect freedom and democracy. Is he really guilty of threatening freedom or of protecting it? I believe he is protecting our freedoms by being brave enough to speak out. Two thumbs up to Mr. Edward Snowden.

What do you think? Do we sit around in our T-shirts and wait for others to lead us or take action? Many young people think that enough is enough and are feeling frustrated and disillusioned with governments that are seemingly unnaccountable. What will happen next? Please comment below.

Live Mindfully and be free, Bob and Marianne.®

How to Get Rid of Bad Habits

6/6/2013

Bad habits, what are they?

Picking your nose, chewing fingernails, not writing things down, using your mobile phone while driving, drinking coffee close to bedtime. Smoking. Automatically criticising and judging yourself and others. Focusing on the negative. Promising and not delivering. Acting like a victim. Working unsafely, drinking and driving, talking and not listening, paying your bills late. Living unconciously. Speeding, eating prepared foods with lots of salt and fat. Maxing out your credit card. Making faces!

I am certain that you could contribute more to this list, perhaps many more! But what are bad habits? How do they get to be bad habits? Why are they bad?

Bad habits are those things we often do and say (or don't say) that cause a negative reaction or result. In other words a bad habit controls and effects our lives in automatic ways that limits us. We end up calling them bad habits because of the negative or limiting effect on ourselves and others. They are "bad" because they restrict us and the way we live our life and they do it "under our radar." In other words, we do not notice that we do use them or what impact they have.

How do you get rid of bad habits, disruptive habits? You get rid of them by learning to live mindfully, by becoming aware of how you think and behave. You can only change that which you are aware of. Where are you right now with your thoughts, behaviours and beliefs?

How do you learn to live mindfully? TTT; Things Take Time. But here is a short list:

Start simply by noticing what you do and say during the day.
See and write down those things you do over and over, your habits. You do not have to get all of them, just a few, even one to start. And there is no wrong answer.
Look at them once a day and see what the results of these behaviours are. Use 5 minutes to start. How do these habits effect yourself, others and situations?
Ask yourself if you like the results of your behaviours. Ask if they could be improved or eliminated. How?
Now you have created a starting point for Mindfullness.
Mindfullness muscles need to be exercised, so you must practice. As well, Meditation is a wonderful tool to build strength of focus.
Celebrate your successes big and small. Do not focus on what you feel you do wrong. There is no wrong answer.
This is a very exciting process and improves life happiness and results a lot. Remember, TTT, Things Take Time. And, no investment no reward.

Learn to live mindfully by getting some life coaching.
Then practice, practice, practice until mindfullness becomes automatic. A new habit.

Live long, live happily and live mindfully, Marianne and Bob.

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Happy 17th of May!

17/5/2013

Recently we have been doing a lot of work to make SteppingStoneLifeCoaching a bi-lingual site, two languages, Norwegian and English. Norsk og engelsk. The job is not yet completed and more changes are to come.

Only the most popular older posts will be translated into Norwegian. So some days you will see Norwegian posts only because we are still catching up.

We apologize for the confusion.

More importantly, Happy 17th of May! Today is Norway's National Day. For me, a Canadian living in Norway, it is a very special day because it is so unique.

Why is it unique? It is very much about celebrating Norway's culture and country particularly children, Norway's future and most important resource.

So much is this true that a children's parade is held throughout the land in every town and city. Thousands of lovely children, many dressed in their National costumes, accompanied by parents and teachers. It is a wonderful and inspiring event.

Gratulerer med dagen! Heia Norge! Marianne og Bob

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Authors

Bob and Marianne own SteppingStoneLifeCoaching.
Marianne, a Norwegian, is a Certified Life Coach, former Conflict Resolution Counsellor. She has also studied five years at the University of Stavanger.

Bob has over 12 years experience as a life coach, career and business counsellor. Bob also worked for some years as a strategic policy analyst. He has a Masters in Public Administration and also worked as Business Consulting Services Manager in Canada.

Please note that all the written material in this blog is Copyright, but can be used or quoted if the source www.steppingstonelifecoaching.com is quoted. Concerns or questions, contact us please.
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