In fact this lack of clarity about how we experience things and how we want them to be in a relationship often leads to unnecessary arguments and bad feelings. What do we call this? A misunderstanding, right? Some call it a fight.
So when you want to say something to your partner be clear not vague. How do you do this?
Here are some tips.
First, I want you to use the XYZ format.( Others have called it the ABC approach, but it doesn't matter) This is especially useful when you are upset about something. Things often get complicated when we express a lot of anger and frustration and confuse the issues. A great way to make your message more likely to be understood, is using the XYZ statement format. " When you do X in the case of Y, I feel Z."
Here is an example.You both work and when you come home you see his coat laying on the sofa again instead of in the closet. So you say, " You are such a slob. I do not understand how you can think that I should go around and clean up after you always!"
Or, you could have said. "John when I come home at the end of the day and your coat is laying on the sofa, I feel angry and disappointed." Which message is most likely to be heard?
The second statement is the best. When you are angry and upset it is easy to blame and say hurtful things which make matters worse. By being clear and rational it is easier to be heard.
Last point. Watch your language. For example, there is a big difference between "you always do that" and "you did this". There is an enormous difference between "you never do what I ask you to" and " you did not do what I asked of you". You can learn these various types of words by being observant about how you speak and what words you use.
That is it for today. XYZ yourself to greater clarity and understanding. We will talk soon again.®
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Yes you can do this. Start now. New York wasn't built in a day and relationship coaching is very helpful.
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